If we ever develop the power to see into the spirit world, talk with the dead, or kickstart a real-life zombie apocalypse, my first priority would be to organize a Dead Comedians Standup Comedy Special. I’d gather up my favorite dead comedians, put them back on stage for a one-night-only, special event, and charge out the ass for live tickets and a live TV pay per view broadcast.
Some of the people I want in my Dead Comedians Standup Comedy Special have been dead for years, so they’ve had plenty of time to write new material and perfect it. Their new material could offer such insight into the world of the dead, it could change mankind forever. If you can trust anyone to give an honest view of the world surrounding them, it is a comedian.
My Five Picks for the first ever Dead Comedians Standup Comedy Special
5. Mitch Hedberg: He might be the only comedian on the list whose material wouldn’t change much despite occupying the land of the dead for the past eight years.
He used to be dead. He still is, but he used to be too.
Hey Mitch, do you want a frozen dead body?
No, but I want a regular temperature zombie later, so… yeah.
4. Rodney Dangerfield: I’ve always been a common man afflicted with frequent loser tendencies, so Rodney is an obvious choice to get a picture of white life after death might be like for me. He’s suffered nine years of indignant treatment in the land of souls at this point, that’s gotta be good for at least two or three hours of new material for the master.
“I said, ‘Bartender, Make me a zombie,’ and he said, ‘Can’t. God already beat me to it.’”
3. Richard Pryor: Pryor was the first comedian I ever fell in love with, and when I fell in love with his comedy I didn’t fully understand all of it, and I probably liked him for the wrong reasons. That changed over time, but the love did not. He taught me about the social world around me, and opened my eyes to the harsh realities we are all a part of. So I presume he could do the same thing about the afterlife. I want to know of the blond-haired angels act superior to the brown-haired ones, and he’s has had nearly 8 years to study it.
“Lawrence Welk? Shit. I done died and went to the wrong motherfuckin’ heaven.”
2. Johnny Carson: Every good comedy show needs a quality emcee to anchor it down, and who’s better at managing guests and providing comedians with an environment in which they can flourish. Johnny is credited with giving dozens of comedians their big break. Everyone from Drew Carey, Steven Wright, Jay Leno, and Joan Rivers, to Roseanne and Jerry Seinfeld, got a huge career boost from appearing on the tonight show in front of an audience of millions. That’s why Johnny is the man who will hold down the stage on my Dead Comedians Special, without a doubt. He’s been dead since 2005, but I’m sure the master still has it.
“Wow. This afterlife is wild, wild stuff.”
1. Bill Hicks: Few people in American seemed to give a hot damn about him when he was alive, but now that he’s been dead he’s hailed a genius and makes nearly everybody’s top comedians of all-time list. Consumed with the idea that he needed to be a voice in the darkness, leading society to the light, his politically charged comedy didn’t score with everyone. Unfortunately for everyone, Hicks was right on just about every political stance he ever took. So I want to find out the politics of the afterlife, and I’m sure society as a whole could benefit from it again, if they’ll only be patient enough to listen and think about what’s being said. February will be the 20th anniversary of his death. Now is as good a time as any to make him an after-life headliner.
“Dinosaurs were not put here to test our faith. They were put here because God was experimenting with mescaline. I know. He told me. He gets rrrreeeeaaaaalll fucking high on drugs. He did invent music, you know.”