Jessica Biel

No.3: JESSICA BIEL – “Erin” in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ’03

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When people say remakes suck, often more times than not you’ll slap them in the face with, “Texas Chainsaw got it right.” But did it? Well yeah. And by the way EVERY FUCKING MOVIE YOU LOVE IS A REMAKE OF SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT! STOP HATING ON CINEMA! ENJOY YOURSELVES! IT IS A MOVIE! IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND ENTERTAINMENT ALONE! YOU SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD! A RETARDED ONE AT THAT!

Sorry… So The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was remade in ’03, and it rocks. Does it take ANYTHING away from the original by it’s mere existence? NO! STOP BITCHING ABOUT MICHAEL BAY RUINING YOUR CHILDHOOD! IF YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS WORTH A SHIT, CHANCES ARE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE NEEDED THE FUCKING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FUCKING TURTLES TO SURVIVE ON WHAT WAS SURELY A FUCKING LONELY FUCKING FRIENDLESS FUCKING SATURDAY FUCKING MORNING!

Apologies…I apparently have a rage issue. I’m working on it. SO BOOBS! Natures stress release, am I right? Jessica Biel comes in at number three on our list and it’s well deserved. Best butt of the franchise by far, but I digress…again…Ms. Biel plays Erin. Marijuana filled pinata aside, she likes to have fun and is looking to do so at a Lynard Skynyrd concert where she hopes they play Free Bird. Like they wouldn’t. At least I think that is the line. I’m going off memory. Anywho, Jessica Biel’s Erin has two things Marilyn Burns’ Sally didn’t. A fleshed out character that fights back between screams, and a film with a much higher budget, allowing the lead to explore many more spooky locations around the Sawyer homestead, and dismal town. If Teri McMinn was the foundation on which many tropes were built, Jessica Biel is the “rebooted” asphalt in which future TCM heroines are aloud to play hop scotch on weekdays after school. And I do mean school, son. Erin takes zero shit, lays waste to anyone in her way to freedom, and looks amazing in a wet white tank top while doing so. My only complaint with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre released in ’03 is they (spoiler alert, I guess) took off Leatherface’s arm in the final minutes of the third act, assuring that any other installment in the TCM franchise would be a prequel, or yet another reboot in the saga.

Speaking of prequels, let’s take a journey to the beginning, shall we…

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