Halloween Knockers: Celebrating Haddonfield’s Most Memorable Racks!

Halloween Knockers


It’s that time of year again, folks. Leaves are changing colors, children of all ages are dressing up to battle rogue killer clowns while gathering as much candy as humanly possible, and horror aficionados are dusting off their VHS tapes to take a trip to beautiful Haddonfield, IL. Oh, and resident boobie guru J-Mo is back to count down the most memorable assets our old pal Michael Myers has encountered. If you’re new to this, let’s revisit the rules: 1) J-Mo can only choose one actress per film. 2) The actress does NOT have to appear nude. J-Mo appreciates boobs of all shapes and sizes, and he feels that a little mystery can be a great thing. 3) J-Mo is not a sexist pig. Breasts are great and should be celebrated. Free the nipple or something. 4) J-Mo hates writing in the third person, so why don’t we get this thing underway!


Halloween Knockers Mariah O'Brien

10. Mariah O’Brien – Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Kicking off our list at number ten is the grunge princess of Haddonfield, Mariah O’Brien. Mariah plays Beth, the “have sex and you’ll die,” shock-jock lovin’ girlfriend of Tim Strode. Apparently Beth didn’t get the memo that the Strode’s have a rather short life expectancy in Haddonfield. Beth’s main purpose in the film is leading the cause to bring Halloween back to Haddonfield. I don’t know, Beth, when all seems quiet in the streets of Haddonfield, maybe you should leave well enough alone and head over to a neighboring town to celebrate. Word on the street is the Doyle’s haven’t been handing out those full sized snicker bars since 1978 anyway. Copious character flaws aside, Beth is one of the few in the series BZ (Before Zombie) to show some skin, and for that us fans will forever be thankful. Perky pokers aside, you’re annoying as all hell, and J-Mo don’t do crazy.


Halloween Knockers Tamara Glynn

9. Tamara Glynn – Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

At number nine we have Tamara Glynn. After a recent conversation with Thomas Bryce of Shit Movie Fest I believe he is going to be very displeased with her ranking on the list, but I’m sure our friendship will survive this hiccup. Tamara plays Samantha Thomas, the typical peppy girl next door blonde type with a kooky boyfriend.halloween-knockers-tamara-glynn-sexy Her sole purpose in the film is yet again to warn children of the “have sex and you’ll die” mantra that horror films loved to spew at you in the 1980s. By the way, this is total bullshit and can be proved wrong by a handful of slasher films up to and counting “Friday the 13th”…#MakeHorrorGreatAgain… Back to Tamara, she really is sweet in the film and is ready to take things to the next level with her silly boy-toy, but ultimately leaves much to be desired.


Halloween Knockers Tyra Banks

8. Tyra Banks – Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

I know what you’re thinking…

Listen… I know she is literally the worst part of a movie featuring Busta Rhymes kung-fu fighting Michael Myers, but two things. First: Diversity. Second:…Halloween: Resurrection is slim pickins, folks. I know technically I’m not supposed to judge the hangers by their work outside of the film itself, but you know they’re there. Unfortunately for the viewers of this supremely underrated sequel, Tyra finds herself in this position for the majority of her time on screen…I’m not sure why she is so confused in this movie, or why she is so content on covering her best attributes up, but hey, jokes on me. She made the list and you got a visual presentation…Well played, Tyra.


Halloween Knockers Sylvia Jefferies

7. Sylvia Jefferies – Halloween II (2009)

In at number eight is Sylvia Jefferies as Misty Dawn in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II. It’s no secret that I’m not an uber fan of any Halloween PZ (Post Zombie), but I will say I enjoyed his sequel effort more because you can kinda shut your brain off and not worry about much for the duration of the running time. Misty Dawn is about as scuzzy of a human you’ll find around Haddonfield. Sylvia’s part is small in the film, but it is a lot of fun. Mainly because WWE Superstar Michael Myers comes in and fucks shit up in such a laughable manner, one can’t help but wonder if the scene was written to be one of the greatest Kids in the Hall sketches of all-time. One might say Sylvia is the White Horse of the film. Would that make Daniel Roebuck the White Knight as he is riding her, plowing that ass doggy-style like a city employee ruining a Snow Day? WOW! Halloween II (2009) has just been saved!


Halloween Knockers PJ Soles

6. P.J. Soles – Halloween (1978)

Yup, you totally read that right. P.J. Soles totally comes in at number six as Lynda van der Klok in the original Halloween. I totally know what you’re thinking, but I have to ask you, “see anything you like?” Totally! P.J. Soles totally deserves this spot on the list. Any of the girls from Halloween could have totally made the cut, but I can only choose one. Lynda is totally THE “have sex and you’ll die” character of the entire series. She meets her demise after totally one of the quickest bone sessions with her main man Bob. And to add insult to injury, Lynda’s gasps for help are totally confused for fake orgasms by Laurie. P.J. Soles is totally a treasure, and she’ll always have a place in the fans heart as the hippest chick in Haddonfield. Even if she always totally forgets her text books. Totally.


Halloween Knockers Kristina Klebe

5. Kristina Klebe – Halloween (2007)

Oh shit, son! Back-to-back Lynda’s on the list! Kristina Klebe lands on the list at number five and we’re totally halfway done. Okay, so I think I used all the “totally’s” I can muster for P.J. Soles, so why don’t we just go back to a normal discussion about how amazing Kristina Klebe is in Halloween. More specifically how she is, I believe, the first full frontal nude of the series. Pretty awesome if it’s true. I don’t think I made that fact up. Fact check me, Internet. Kristina Klebe’s Lynda is not much of a departure from P.J. Soles’ Lynda, but I thought she was deserving of this higher spot as she was the only one of the three main girls in present day Haddonfield that didn’t make me want to punch kittens. Also, Klebe is one of the best actresses in film. Hands down. And she speaks German. Sign me up for those bonus points. Soles’ Lynda was there for the body count. Though Klebe’s is as well, and even knowing her fate before the opening credits even roll, she’s one of the few likable characters PZ. I would have put her higher on the list, but we;ve got some real Heavy Hangers…I mean, Heavy Hitters, coming up!


Halloween Knockers Jamie Lee Curtis

4. Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later (1998)

Finally! Jamie Lee Curtis has made her way on to the list. And yes, it’s for Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later. Sure she had a set of lungs on her (Stu’s words, not mine) in parts one and two, but to me, Jamie Lee Curtis is way hotter in H20 than the original flicks. She is a maternal figure working at a school. She’s having this secret fling with the Guidance Counselor. Drinks a lot. Still need convincing? How about this…Halloween Knockers True LiesThis is a photo from True Lies released four years prior to H20. But let’s focus on H20 specifically…Jamie Lee Curtis as ax wielding Laurie Strode aka Keri Tate is one of the greatest images of the Haloween franchise. Their are two types of Halloween fan out there. The type that associates Jamie Lee Curtis with Halloween and the type that associates Danielle Harris with Halloween. Group B should not be trusted.


Halloween Knockers Stacey Nelkin

3. Stacey Nelkin – Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

I had a real dilemma as to whether or not I could or should include Season of the Witch on this list. It is a departure from Haddonfield and Michael Myers, but I was reminded that when Tom Atkins goes to the bar, a commercial for the original Halloween is seen playing on TV. LOOP HOLES! Also, and this is more for my own sanity, I figured if I included Season of the Witch, I would not have to include each separate PZ cut. Not sure how that math works, but I’ll allow it.

Seriously though, folks, how adorable is Stacey Nelkin as Ellie Grimbridge. She had to be on the list for sure. I also want to give a shout out to the young lass for taking a chance on true lust with the great Tom Atkins. Not only is he why God made fathers, but he also likes to be thrilled. And with Stacey, Tom Atkins is plenty thrilled…You see Ellie teams up with Atkins to figure out the conspiracy behind the walls of Silver Shamrock. Conal Cochran not only has the coolest name in the entire series, but he’s out to kill a bunch of kids on Halloween with these…If you look close enough you can see Captain Kirk’s soul trapped in the Force. Meanwhile, Ellie decides to bunk up with a married alcoholic doctor and seduce him wearing this…halloween-knockers-stacey-nelkinAnd when Tom Atkins finds out how old Ellie is, he finds himself in a pickle…halloween-knockers-noBut don’t worry folks, they still have time to make sweet love in a dank motel room amidst all the conspiracy and wacky plot points. Stacey Nelkin would be number two on this list if Michael Myers were properly involved in this film in any capacity…halloween-knockers-michealAwww…sad Michael.


Halloween Knockers Pamela Susan Shoop

2. Pamela Susan Shoop – Halloween II (1981)

Speaking of number two on the list, Pamela Susan Shoop plays Nurse Karen in Halloween II. Dr. Loomis has shot Michael Myers six times, dropping him out a second story window. Haddonfield is in utter chaos. Police cruisers are taking out would-be-boyfriends at an alarming rate. Blackboards are being vandalized with ancient pagan words. Dana Carvey is railroading youths into commenting on the local news reports. But don’t worry, Karen wants to bang Budd in the therapeutic whirlpools while a room full of infants face certain unsupervised death. Hey, Karen is a good person though. She knows she is going to be late for work, but still keeps her promise and drives her friend home. That’s a solid move. Her friend could have been hit by a rouge police cruiser. Pamela Susan Shoop also falls victim to Michael Myers in one of the more gruesome deaths of the series. Her face is boiled as she drowns. Yuck. Talk about a twofer of suck. Oh, and she is topless the entire time. Quadruple-fer?


Halloween Knockers Kathleen Kinmont

1. Kathleen Kinmont – Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

And no surprise here, Kathleen Kinmont has the number one spot on lock-down. Mr. Skin has Kathleen in the books for 10 nude roles, but for reasons beyond our control, Ms. Kinmont chose to tease the Halloween faithful with major cleavage, epic side boob and sweet pokies under her “Cops Do It By The Book” white tee…halloween-knockers-cops-do-it-by-the-bookIn part four Kathleen plays Kelly Meeker, Haddonfield’s resident knockout and daughter of Sheriff Meeker, the town’s badass. Kelly has a thing for her co-worker Brady who is dating Rachel Carruthers sorta-sister to Jamie Lloyd niece of Michael Myers. One can assume that she is also another victim of the “have sex and you’ll die” rule, but before Brady can slip in the tip, Sheriff Meeker, Dr. Loomis, Rachel and Jamie pull in to the drive-way before Brady ever has the chance to pull out. I guess you can also safely assume that if Kelly is willing to hand out candy while wearing just a t-shirt to trick ‘r treaters before attempting to sleep with a co-worker in a complicated relationship, that she has had plenty of sex before and her death is justified in the series for being the town whore. Ah, the 80s. When slut shaming was common place and PC Police were still in Huggies.

Let’s take a moment to honor Kathleen Kinmont and her stellar work in the Halloween franchise…

halloween-knockers-kathleen-kinmont-bra


Well folks, we did it. Another year is in the books and hopefully if you’ve made it this far you know that this is meant to celebrate not only the women that made the Halloween franchise great, but also to take a moment to give thanks to those kind enough to show their skin in cinema for the enjoyment of perverts across the globe. These days I get a little nervous when compiling a list like this, because it could be viewed as offensive in nature. When in reality it is meant to induce a chuckle or two. I hope you enjoyed the experience. Do you disagree with the choices? Was someone higher or lower than expected? Well reach out to me on any of my social media platforms so i can tell you that I don’t care to your face.

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DREAMBOATS: THE HOTTEST HUNKS ON ELM STREET

DREAMBOATS: THE HOTTEST HUNKS ON ELM ST.“Welcome to Prime Time, Dicks.” – J-Mo

Another Halloween has come and gone, leaving you with a wicked case of the bloody booze blues, no doubt. But fear not, sweet reader, as November 1st 2015 marks a milestone in one of horror’s most beloved franchises. “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge” turns 30 years old! I personally achieved this milestone back in August and can assure you that the best way to make a 30 year old feel special: Overtly Sexualize Them. But how do you make it special? You never want to regift something on someone’s big day. Having ranked the boobs of both “Friday the 13th” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” series, I figured it was time to switch it up by giving some love to the men of a franchise for once. So dive right in and see if your favorite hunk hottie made the list.

9 - Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare - Breckin Meyer - Spencer

9. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare – Breckin Meyer – Spencer

I would be clueless not to include Breckin Meyer, folks. As the sweet stoner Spencer, Breckin shows us why smokin’ out on Elm Street is a horrible idea. I’m not sure if Spencer’s death is meant as a cautionary tale of what too much drugs and video games will do to you, but if you’re rockin’ a sweet ass Power Glove, why wouldn’t you want to lay about and spark a bowl?! Spencer is the typical late eighties, early nineties surfer burnout-type, which I’m sure were a dime a dozen in Springwood, OH., but Breckin rocks a million dollar smile and that is enough to get this list started.

A Nightmare On Elm St. Part 5: The Dream Child - Michael Baily Smith - Super Freddy/Dan's Double

8. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child – Michael Bailey Smith – Super Freddy

I can hear your confusion at my choice for number eight. To me it makes perfect sense. Super Freddy had the body of a Jason Voorhees, while rocking the attitude of our favorite wise crackin’ child molester. And that to me is a winning combo. Also, I believe that during the opening credits, when Dan is draining his seed into Alice’s guts leading to teen pregnancy, and the entire movie, Michael Bailey Smith is actually body doubling as Dan. So that helped in securing Michael on my list.

7. Freddy Vs Jason - Jason Ritter - Will Rollins

7. Freddy Vs Jason – Jason Ritter – Will Rollins

God I hate this movie. Which is the worst, because it has three things I love: Jason, Freddy, and Monica Keena’s boobs. But my hate has nothing to do with Jason Ritter’s performance. He’s got those sweet puppy dog eyes that scream “I’m trapped in a terrible situation,” and you just want to throw the guy a lifeline. Ritter and Keena’s boobs are about the only thing worth a damn in this terrible sequel. Disagree with me all you’d like, but remember one thing, typical horror nerd, both franchises were followed by remakes. Remakes, you know, those things you people hate? You can thank Freddy Vs. Jason.

It should be noted that my wife, Producer Danielle, is beyond troubled by the fact that Mr. Ritter ranks in at number seven. She feels he is a solid number three and a beautiful man.

6. New Nightmare - Wes Craven - Wes Craven

6. New Nightmare – Wes Craven – Wes Craven

Power. Success. Creative as a motherfucker. These are all traits possessed by our hunk at number six. Wes Craven played himself in “New Nightmare.” So I guess I think Wes Craven is a hunk IRL, as the kids snapchat. I guess I do. I’ve idolized Wes Craven since the age of 4. He’s everything I wanted to grow up to be. I’d totally #MCM him.

RIP Wes

5. A Nightmare On Elm St. (Remake) - Clancy Brown - Alan Smith

5. A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake) – Clancy Brown – Alan Smith

There can be only one number five choice, and it is a no brainer for me. I love me some Clancy Brown. While either voicing a crab on a popular children’s cartoon, or beating the sweet sunny Jesus out of an inmate that doesn’t shut his trap, Clancy Brown is a tour de force. One could argue that he’s not the hunkiest of the remake cast, but my list, my rules. Clancy Brown plays Alan, the father of walking guyliner puppet Quentin. Now in the remake, Alan is the ringleader amongst the parents that decide Krueger should be stopped by any means necessary. Clancy Brown creates Freddy in the new universe, and I am okay with that. Hell, Clancy Brown could be responsible for my own demise and I would accept it with open arms so long as Clancy was there to narrate my passing. I mean, it would totally suck to be dead, but hopefully Clancy could bury me in a Pet Sematary 2.

4. A Nightmare On Elm St. Part 3: Dream Warriors - Laurence Fishburne - Max

4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors – Laurence Fishburne – Max

Laurence Fishburne is a force of nature. Think about it for a second. Has he ever done a bad flick? I can’t think of one off the top of my head. I’m pretty sure I’m probably wrong, but he can do no wrong in my eyes. Landing at number four is pretty solid in my opinion. Max is a pretty awesome character. One of the few authority figures in the series that seems to want to help these kids. You can see it takes a toll on him when they begin to fall victim to their dreams. Laurence plays Max perfectly. Strict and tough, yet caring and compassionate. I like the cut of his jib. And hats off to Laurence for making it through the film in one piece. men and women of color are not often thought of as survivors in genre pictures.

3. A Nightmare On Elm St. Part 4: The Dream Master - Andras Jones - Rick

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master – Andras Jones – Rick

Rick and his little meatball fall in at number three. Alice’s brother is played by Andras Jones, Calvin in “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” from 1988. Whether kicking the air’s ass in his garage dojo, or wearing dick friendly sweats in gym class, Rick does it while looking dope. 80s fashion has never looked better. To this day I cannot listen to Dramarama without thinking of Rick’s nun-chuckin’ skills.  Also, how hot do you have to be to hook up with Tuesday Knight? Way hot, dudes with uber confidence. The kind of confidence that once absorbed by your sister she is finally able to kick the souls right out of Freddy’s chest cavity.

2. A Nightmare On Elm St. - Johnny Depp - Glen Lantz

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street – Johnny Depp – Glen Lantz

I’m sure it is no shocker that Johnny Depp is on a list ranking the hottest hunks on Elm Street. However I assume most everyone with a working brain probably had him pegged as a lock at number one. I’m so edgy. Johnny Depp’s crop top and barely legal babyface made their debut in Wes Craven’s classic film from 1984. And it is all thanks to Wes’ daughter Jessica, whom insisted her father cast the young stud in-lieu of the  standard proto-jock the then struggling filmmaker envisioned for the role. Needless to say it was the first of many kickass projects Depp would go on to star in.

Johnny Depp’s character Glen is the shy, handsome boyfriend to Nancy Thompson, the object of Fred Krueger’s torment. Glen spends the majority of his time in denial, but leaves the film with one of the most memorable deaths in franchise history. The thing that I find most disturbing in horror films is when a dying character breaks the laws of cinema standard and becomes a living, breathing member of the real world. Glen, along with Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter’s Rob, have the most polarizing death scenes of each franchise because the actors are able to tap into a primal fear as they howl in agony. Rob’s “he’s killing me,” is powerful, but Glen’s innocent cries for his mother move the scene from horrifying into depths of misery, dread, and sheer heartbreak.

1. A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge - Marshall Bell - Coach Schneider

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge – Marshall Bell – Coach Schneider

Coach Schneider is a sadistic, leather clad piece of shit, and that is the kind of hidden kink that is sure to stike a cord with all my leather sluts out there. Marshall Bell is one helluvan actor. I hate him so much in so many roles. Which means one thing, folks. He’s fantastic at what he does. In Freddy’s Revenge, Mr. Bell is the thorn in Jesse and Grady’s taint.Coach Watching

Ever ogling the “dirtballs” doing push-ups or eavesdropping on the duo as they change after gym class, Coach Schneider “gets his rocks off” down at the local watering hole where the bears and twinks traverse after hours. One night Coach catches Jesse out for a nightcap. In attempt to teach the young man a lesson, Coach Schneider brings Jesse back to the school to run laps. Marshall Bell plays the scene with so much creepy joy. I love it.

Coach Schneider

Unfortunately for Coach Schneider, they aren’t alone. Maybe.

Coach Schneider Death

Marshall Bell also broke ground in this classic that turns 30 years old today as the first and only time you see a grown man’s ass. That, my friends, is a total hunk move.

*Editor’s Note: You see Mark Patton’s butt when Grady tackles him in the infield.

Freddy gif love

There you have it! My Hottest Hunks on Elm Street. Hopefully you’ve had as much fun reading as I have had writing. Unlike the previous boob-centric posts, I’ve never spent time sitting around my room asking myself who the hot dudes in the Elm Street franchise are. It was a challenge I thought should be tackled.

Special thanks to Jason Price of ICON VS. ICON for the nudge in the right direction, Thomas Bryce of SHIT MOVIE FEST for his eagerness to read, and Producer Danielle for acting as a sounding board for the hairless little fourteen year old inside of me.

–Jeremy L. Morrison

Episode 156: Wes Craven Retrospective

Episode 156: Wes Craven RetrospectiveThis week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jeremy and Jason celebrate the life and work of the late Wes Craven. The duo discuss their introductions to his work, the impact it had on them as film fans and how his work impacted the horror genre as a whole. Next, Jeremy unveils his list of the Top 5 underrated films by the Master of Horror. They wrap the episode up with their Picks of The Week in the form of the new ‘Mad Max’ video game and Iron Maiden’s new album, “The Book of Souls.” It is a robust and full bodied episode; best described as easily drinkable. Download, listen and spread the word!

Episode 156: Wes Craven Retrospective

APC Presents – HEAVY HANGERS: THE BEST BOOBS OF ‘THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE’ SERIES (NSFW)

THE BEST BOOBS OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE SERIES
Photo Credit: Jason Price (Head Hancho at Icon Vs. Icon – All Things Pop Culture)

The hottest months of the year are upon us and that means two things: girls with sweaty boobs, and guys ooglin’ girls with sweaty boobs. So, dear reader, I’ve decided it is time to talk about the sweatiest of sweat filled sweat flicks, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise. Can you believe there are seven, yes, seven, films total in the franchise? Since the release of the remake and it’s prequel, I’ve always accidentally dismissed the third and fourth entries. Which is a shame, because “Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III” is probably the most fun post Hooper. “The Next Generation” gets a bad rap, but offers up some fun bits. And the last 15 minutes of that flick are pure anarchy. Overall “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise holds up and entertains to this day.

But we’re not here to talk about the films and what they’ve offered up entertainment wise. A few months back I finally put word-to-page an idea I had toyed with for many years. Ranking the best boobs of the Friday the 13th series. On the show Jason asked how I could top myself. Well, you can’t. It’s simply not possible. The Friday the 13th franchise has the best boob to film ratio out there. But I love a challenge and we decided that before my super secret “Best Of” project coming this November, I should try tackling another list in the dog days of Summer. Now I do want to put on front street that my initial idea was the best butts of the Texas Chainsaw series. Mainly because Jessica Biel has the best dumper in Hollywood. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” as a whole has the best butts of any franchise. You can quote me on that. And it’ll be easy to because I’ve put it in writing. But I digress…

The rules are the same as before, folks. I can only choose one pair of boobs per movie to fall on this best of seven list. Pretty easy when you think about it, actually, as part 2 only has one female character. And 3 has two. but it is where they fall on the list that may have some readers shaking their heads and sending in hate mail. Before we get started I want to preface this list the same way I did last time. I do not hate women. I am not a sexist monster. In fact I love women and love boobs almost as much as I love my own children. Also, this is done in fun. So fuck off if you don’t get the joke. If you’re offended by this list, just wait, there will be another one in 17.8 seconds that will offend you much more. This is the internet after all.


HERE WE GO!

7 Kate Hodge
No. 7: KATE HODGE – “Michelle” in LEATHERFACE: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III

Nothing against Kate Hodge, but someone had to bat first. Much like the actual sport of baseball, I’m hoping her leadoff spot earns a double and starts us down a 9th inning comeback that would make this year’s Cubs team proud. Kate Hodge is one of two young girls on the run in this flick, and also the first in the franchise to not go batshit crazy pre-credits. Actually (spoilers for a movie 20+ years old) she and Ken Foree ride off into the sunrise after delivering a great one-liner that would make Dirty Harry shift excitedly in his pants. Kate’s Michelle character is on the verge of a break up with her lame boyfriend played by William Butler. I only say this because I wanted to point out that Bill Butler, though great as always, plays a character that sucks by nature, thus making Kate seem that more awesome. Plus Bill Butler is the first Scream King.


With a single to left field, Tonie Perensky lands on our list at number six. Like Kate Hodge, Ms. Perensky has shown up nude in other flicks, but left the heavy lifting to a nude body double in this film starring Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger (gotta boost those google keyword searches) from 1994. Tonie Perensky's Darla has the fortune of being our only villain on the list. Pretty sweet if you're into that kinda factoid. Darla is the character that everyone knows from the previous flicks. The nice yet creepy character that eventually leads the lambs to the slaughter. Is it too late to alert you to a spoiler 21 years in the making? Apologies.
No. 6 Tonie Perensky – “Darla” in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

With a single to left field, Tonie Perensky lands on our list at number six. Like Kate Hodge, Ms. Perensky has shown up nude in other flicks, but left the heavy lifting to a nude body double in this film starring Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger (gotta boost those google keyword searches) from 1994. Tonie Perensky’s Darla has the fortune of being our only villain on the list. Pretty sweet if you’re into that kinda factoid. Darla is the character that everyone knows from the previous flicks. The nice yet creepy character that eventually leads the lambs to the slaughter. Is it too late to alert you to a spoiler 21 years in the making? Apologies.


5 Caroline Williams
No. 5: CAROLINE WILLIAMS – “Stretch” in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE II

Here we go. Our first home run on the list. Are we keeping score at home? Stretch is everything you want in a character and then some added sprinkles on the top for good measure. Our lone female in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II,” Caroline Williams has killer taste in music, a bitchin’ job that allows her to play killer jams and interview chili cook-off winners, and even wins the heart of our masked man-child, ol’ Leatherface. Caroline Williams set a high standard for what hardcore and casual fans alike would come to expect, yet never see again in the franchise. A woman playing a character that looks like she was really having a lot of fun while on set. Aside from chainsaw kills and Bill Mosely, Stretch is everything we want from a Texas Chainsaw flick. Hooper did something magical with this sequel…he made a polar opposite film from the one he had made over a decade prior. Shit. I’m starting to review the movie. Sorry. Back to boobs…


4 Teri McMinn
No. 4: TERI McMINN – “Pam” in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ’74

The standard! A grandslam with no one on base is impossible in baseball, but Teri McMinn manages the feat at number four on our list. Again, if this were a butt post, Marilyn Burns would be the winner, and she would be higher up on the list. Maybe. And though Marilyn Burns’ braless pokies are a staple of the frachise, Teri McMinn’s iconic image hangin’ on a meat hook in a clevagetastic top is what this franchise, from a marketing standpoint, in my humble opinion and my opinion alone, was built on.

McMinn stars as Pam, the down to earth hippy chick that is “along for the ride” in the classic roller coaster of emotions that started it all. Pam’s got two things on her mind, finding a spot to fuck her boyfriend, preferably by water, and avoiding Franklin and his annoying squealing. The second to die (seriously, I’m not spoiling a movie over 40 fuckin’ years old!) Pam’s entire kill sequence features 98 percent of every image you remember loving from the first flick, and the franchise as a whole. 1) Walkin’ the empty grounds with her boyfriend? Check. 2) Amazing low angle shot running underneath the swing. Got it. 3) Finding the room full of bones and that damn cluckin’ chicken? It’s there. ) Discovering Gunner Hanson’s Leatherface, bolting out the door toward freedom, and when you think she is safe, he grabs her and pulls her back into the house as she flails her limbs wildly trying to grab on to anything and everything in her path to pull her toward said freedom? Nailed it. 5) The dreaded meat hook suspending her 8, nah, 10 feet in the air? Boom. 6) You think she’s done and gone, but when her spectacled buddy opens a freezer door and SHE POPS OUT CONVULSING!! Added bonus. Yep, Teri McMinn’s Pam laughs in the face of every character to follow the same water-based crayola finger paint tropes. Been there, done that. And while she did it, she sported the fourth best rack on our list. Fuck off, haters.

Strap in, folks…here come the top three. The best of the best. The REAL Heavy Hangers.


3 Jessica Biel
No. 3: JESSICA BIEL – “Erin” in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ’03

When people say remakes suck, often more times than not you’ll slap them in the face with, “Texas Chainsaw got it right.” But did it? Well yeah. And by the way EVERY FUCKING MOVIE YOU LOVE IS A REMAKE OF SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT! STOP HATING ON CINEMA! ENJOY YOURSELVES! IT IS A MOVIE! IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND ENTERTAINMENT ALONE! YOU SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD! A RETARDED ONE AT THAT!

Sorry… So The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was remade in ’03, and it rocks. Does it take ANYTHING away from the original by it’s mere existence? NO! STOP BITCHING ABOUT MICHAEL BAY RUINING YOUR CHILDHOOD! IF YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS WORTH A SHIT, CHANCES ARE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE NEEDED THE FUCKING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FUCKING TURTLES TO SURVIVE ON WHAT WAS SURELY A FUCKING LONELY FUCKING FRIENDLESS FUCKING SATURDAY FUCKING MORNING!

Apologies…I apparently have a rage issue. I’m working on it. SO BOOBS! Natures stress release, am I right? Jessica Biel comes in at number three on our list and it’s well deserved. Best butt of the franchise by far, but I digress…again…Ms. Biel plays Erin. Marijuana filled pinata aside, she likes to have fun and is looking to do so at a Lynard Skynyrd concert where she hopes they play Free Bird. Like they wouldn’t. At least I think that is the line. I’m going off memory. Anywho, Jessica Biel’s Erin has two things Marilyn Burns’ Sally didn’t. A fleshed out character that fights back between screams, and a film with a much higher budget, allowing the lead to explore many more spooky locations around the Sawyer homestead, and dismal town. If Teri McMinn was the foundation on which many tropes were built, Jessica Biel is the “rebooted” asphalt in which future TCM heroines are aloud to play hop scotch on weekdays after school. And I do mean school, son. Erin takes zero shit, lays waste to anyone in her way to freedom, and looks amazing in a wet white tank top while doing so. My only complaint with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre released in ’03 is they (spoiler alert, I guess) took off Leatherface’s arm in the final minutes of the third act, assuring that any other installment in the TCM franchise would be a prequel, or yet another reboot in the saga.

Speaking of prequels, let’s take a journey to the beginning, shall we…


2 Diora Baird
No. 2: DIORA BAIRD – “Bailey” in THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING

Diora Baird is many things. Busty happens to be one of them. But let’s focus on some other stuff first. Indulge me, won’t you? Diora Baird’s Bailey is yet another token “along for the ride” gal in the sixth installment of the “should of been dead long ago” franchise. But let’s be honest with ourselves. We’re glad this franchise continues to find it’s way to multiplexes. Something I don’t know I’ve covered yet, but these films are a LOT of fun for an audience, preferably a packed house on opening night. When I was doing thorough “research” (Google Images) I noticed if you type Texas Chainsaw Massecre + Boobs into google and hit search you’re sure to see many photos of Ms. Baird (though mostly not from this movie) come flyin’ at your screen. A little hint for you weekend warriors out there. Actually…click here to see one of Diora’s most mammerable moments in the film.

So anyway, Bailey finds herself in a series of wrong place, wrong time situations in the film. TCM: The Beginning was my first exposure to the awesomeness of Diora Baird, and it shouldn’t go without saying that I became a fan. When she popped up in one of my all-time favorite episodes of “Psych” (Season 6 Episode 8 – The Tao of Gus, for the uninitiated) her flare for comedy made me realize that with the right material, this girl can do no wrong. Back to “The Beginning” though. Bailey is the prototypical “let’s have fun and live life fast and loose,” so obviously she is doomed from the start. But what Diora Baird achieves with the character is nothing short of a good time. Sure her existence in the film is to serve the story and it’s body count, but one of the reasons you tend to root for the gang of teens in these flicks is because you like them.

Diora Baird

Though Ms. Baird is easy on the eyes and all that jazz, she’s a character that hasn’t really existed in the franchise to this point. She’s a secondary character that seems fit to outwit the B-Story antagonists. I wanted Bailey to escape the hands of Leatherface’s handlers to join up with Jordana Brewster on the A-Story. I found myself rooting for her in a way that I haven’t rooted for a would-be-victim since before I was old enough to figure out the slasher movie formula. Perhaps this would be a call back to Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III? Could two characters survive in this reboot? As the second act unfolds we find that not to be the case. One of the more exciting aspects of TCM: The Beginning is that not only are our hopes dashed that two screen heroines make it out alive, but in fact zero heroines make it out alive. A first for the series. Well played, fun prequel. Well played indeed.

Something I’ve noticed about the franchise as a whole is though there are great boobs, they are not really on display for the fans like, say the Friday the 13th franchise. Here is a screen grab to get you through the day. Week. Month. Eternity…

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Are you ready for number one? I hope so!

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1 Alexandra Daddario
No. 1: ALEXANDRA DADDARIO – “Heather Miller” in TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D

‘Nuff Said.

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JKJK, folks. C’mon, you really think I’d leave without further explanation? Alexandra Daddario is quickly becoming a household name. I wasn’t aware of her work until I finally checked out this flick last year. I can honestly tell you that watching this movie was far more enjoyable than the earnest outings of the remake and reboot. As a stand alone sequel to the original, I dig it. I am a very big fan of 2 and 3, but this entry in the franchise just feels right.

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Now if you are one of those asshats that argues the film doesn’t make sense because Daddario’s character Heather should be 35 instead of 25, eat a bag of dicks. It’s a movie. Audiences were once able to enter a theater and suspend disbelief. Why has this changed? Let the character be 25. Give Trey Songz a chance to act. Tania Reymonde is fantastic as the beautiful and charming, although slutty BFF trying to bed Mr. Songz. (Might I add Ms. Reymonde is also fabulous in LOOK: the Series and the Wadzilla segment in Chillerama…both available on Amazon! *cough-cough* shameless plug…)

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I’m a fan of this flick and all it has to offer the franchise and horror genre. It is fun! Through and through. My biggest complaint is that it has yet to spawn any sequels. I’d love to see Ms. Daddario return to the Texas Chainsaw realm. What would that story consist of? The possibilities are endless! *We’re about to get spoiler heavy, so if you haven’t seen it, you have been warned.* At the end of this flick we discover that Heather is now left in charge of her last living blood relative, Leatherface himself. This is a story that could pump fresh blood into a franchise that has been thrilling audiences for over 40 years. Does Heather let Leatherface out to do what he does best? Would she continue to keep him under lock and key? Is there an outside threat that leaves the duo no other choice than to band together to protect the homestead? I want this movie! I want it now! C’mon, Lionsgate!

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As far as what makes this film unique, look no further than Daddario’s performance as a young woman that recently finds out she was adopted. A strong lead in a long line of many, she doesn’t really care for authority and what they have to offer. It’s crazy, but Daddario’s best assets in this film aren’t even the assets that land her at number one on the list. Well, they do. I mean…I’m trying to say even if her tits were tiny, she’d still be number one. Daddario plays a strong, independent, smart heroine that uses more than her looks to take down a corrupt town while simultaneously outrunning her kin. Sure she winds up tied up in the third reel, but most the gals in these films do.

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Of course she could easily have been killed by Leatherface or the townsfolk while she was strung up, but she didn’t. Fate was on her side. Leatherface eventually comes to Heather’s rescue. Another first in a series of seven films. I’m a big fan of things I haven’t seen before when sequel numbers begin to climb. Texas Chainsaw 3D delivers a handful of plot points that I enjoyed. Also, if you’re a fan of Alexandra Daddario and have been living under a rock, check out Season One of True Detective. You’ll be glad you did…

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So there it is, folks. The best Heavy Hangers of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre series. Agree? Disagree? Feel free to interact with us on Facebook, Twitter, leave a comment below, or email us AcidPopCult@gmail.com. Just remember that this list is of my own design. I feel it is important to honor not just the boobs, but also the actresses that appear in these films for our enjoyment. This is nothing more than a fun way of expressing our enthusiasm for a fun franchise and it’s fans.

-Jeremy L. Morrison

 

Episode 129: Friday the 13th Extravaganza

Episode 129: Friday the 13th ExtravaganzaThis week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jason and Jeremy celebrate horror’s most important holiday; Friday The 13th. Jeremy takes on a look back at the beloved franchise and counts down his favorite kills by Jason Voorhees. Be sure you give us a listen as we are offering up all the details on how to win an exclusive ‘ Friday The 13th: Jason Lives’ screen print by artist Chris Garofalo at Quiltface Studios! Jason discusses his recent interviews with Dan Hawkins of The Darkness and former pornstar turned DJ/Producer Lupe Fuentes. If that’s not enough, We’ll see you next Tuesday (K)night!

Episode 129: Friday the 13th Extravaganza

APC Presents – FRIDAY THE 13TH: The Top 12 Boobies of the Series

The Top 12 Boobs of Friday the 13th


When I think of the Friday the 13th series, three things come to mind: Camp Counselors (which only appear in the first, second, and sixth installments), inventive kills, and boobs. Oh boobies, how you’re a cornerstone of the Friday franchise. Many breasts have appeared in the series over the years. While some stay hidden behind a nice cotton top or slinky bikini, others are allowed to come out of hiding to share in the scares. Men, women, and children of all ages know that the infamous hockey masked slasher is synonymous with stiff nippled cups of all shapes and sizes.

Now before I continue let me say that I love all boobs. Boobs are fantastic. From natures true intentions for the breast, up to rapidly google searching the perfect pair whilst in the bathroom to aid in a quick release, boobs are the most wonderful things ever created. I hold no prejudice toward any class of mammaries. I first came up with the idea for this list four years ago, but I found it insanely difficult to accomplish. How can you pass judgement when they are all so great? Who do I think I am? I swear I am not a misogynist. I am not sexist. Before you email me or the show, just remember this: I LOVE BOOBS.

So four years later I think I’ve figured out how to pull this off, no pun intended, to where I could forge this list and not catch any flack. I’ve decided to narrow it down to the top 12 pairs with one catch. I can only choose one pair per flick. Hypothetically if someone was in a pinch, they could gaze upon this list and make an educated guess on where to go in the series to unload some stress. Now, again, I love and respect all breasts in this series, and life in general. And this is very much based on my own personal taste. So feel free to share your own list with us over at the Facebook page, or by emailing the show at AcidPopCult@gmail.com.


LET’S DO THIS!

12 Saffron Handerson JJ Jason Takes Manhattan

Number 12: From Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan – Saffron Henderson – “J.J. Jarrett”

“What are you talking about, J-Mo? J.J. doesn’t even get nekkid!” RIGHT?!! Get used to it, gentle reader. Like I said, I hold no prejudice to the boobs. And I never said the boobs had to make a special guest appearance in the flick. Saffron Henderson plays metal-head J.J., a guitar virtuoso that is looking for bitchin’ spots aboard the ship to film her music video. What J.J. lacks in common sense while traversing the bowels of the boat, she makes up for in sexy pleather and a hot pink top. A character that feels like a cross between Lita Ford and Joan Jett, J.J. sports one of the most metal deaths in the entire series when she gets her brains bashed in by her own Flying-V axe. Horns up for J.J. at number 12.


11 Monica Keena LORI Freddy Vs. Jason

Number 11: From Freddy vs. Jason – Monica Keena – “Lori Campbell”

Freddy vs. Jason is one of those flicks that I ate up when it first hit the theaters. But upon it’s home video release it fell out of favor with me. I could write a whole essay on why I think Freddy vs. Jason is the worst film in both franchises, hell, the history of cinema even, but I won’t. We’re celebrating something here. That something is Monica Keena’s wonderful assets. There are two things I find interesting about Monica Keena’s performance as Lori in Freddy vs. Jason and that is why she lands at number 11 on our list.


10 Kristi Angus ADRIENNE Jason X

Number 10: From Jason X – Kristi Angus – “Adrienne”

Kristi Angus sports one of the cooler half sweaters while also managing to find herself on the wrong end of arguable one of the coolest kills in franchise history. Her apperance is brief, but it will stay with you for a long time. If I was tech savvy, I’d use the popular gif of her death for her image. How Kane Hodder had the ability to expose just enough of Adrienne’s underboob while manhandling her to the sink full of cryo freeze just in time to dip her face in before smashing it against the counter-top and tossing her hollowed husk of a head to the side, is beyond me. Holy run-on-sentence, Mrs. Voorhees! It works. Moving on.


9 Jeaninne Taylor MARCIE Friday the 13th 1980

 Number 9: From Friday the 13th – Jeannine Taylor – “Marcie Cunningham”

At number 9 a franchise and genre wide standard was set by little Marcie Cunningham. Every Friday the 13th to follow would have a girl travel the camp grounds at some point; shoe-less, in her panties, and wearing a shirt while asking “Is that you…”. After filling up on Kevin’s bacon, Marcie heads over to the camp bathroom to quote classic Hollywood lines in a mirror, read cute jokes on the wall, and show us why you should never check the showers for would-be-prankster friends. And as the photographic evidence above shows, Jeannine Taylor is a candidate for Best Butt, too.


8 Michelle Clunie DEBORAH Jason Goes to Hell The Final Friday

 Number 8: From Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday – Michelle Clunie – “Deborah”

This is why you should always force him to wrap it up, ladies. Deborah and her boyfriend Luke, along with third-wheel Alexis, think it is finally safe to camp at Camp Crystal Lake. After a quick dip in the frigid water, Deborah and Luke decide to take the franchise down a road it had yet to see: borderline hardcore porn. The 90’s taught us a lot. Among many lessons was that the MPAA would not tolerate heavy thrusting followed by a iron rod to the torso. Especially if that rod then split the torso in two, revealing a crimson geyser that splashes across a man’s face, neck and chest. I didn’t know much about sex until the summer of ’94. At nine years old I quickly discovered the difference between making love and fucking. Though pretty and sweet, making love was alright. Fucking, however, would make boobies bounce around frantically. Boobs? great. Bouncing boobs? Is there anything more awesome on a human body? Not if you’re this writer.


7 Tracie Savage DEBBIE Part III 3D

 Number 7: From Friday the 13th part III 3-D – Tracie Savage – “Debbie”

Number 7 is definitely not sponsored by the Medical Association of America. Tracie Savage portrays Debbie, a pot smoking, beer drinking, unprotected sex having, cool chick. Oh yeah, she’s pregnant too! Yes, soon-to-be-mommy Debbie (Did YOU add the fetus to Jason’s kill totals?!?) is trying to help her friend over come her fear of an encounter by a creepy dude that probably raped her and just happens to be Jason a year prior to the events of this flick and Part II (as Part II leads directly into Part III, but is five years after the events of Part I. Confused? Good, me too!) So Debbie, her highschool boyfriend, a few other weirdos, and two old as fuck hippies head out to the lake. Debbie doesn’t spend much time helping her friend, however, as she and her boyfriend want to make sure they get a head-start on practicing on that second kid as soon as possible. After some sexy time, Debbie treats us to a glance of her handfuls-of-goodness during a steamy shower. The first of many showers to be had in the franchise.


6 Jennifer Cooke MEGAN Jason Lives

 Number 6: From Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives – Jennifer Cooke – “Megan”

Remember, wherever the red dot goes, ya bang. Jennifer Cooke’s Megan is hands down one of the coolest female leads to have graced the franchise with her presence. Is anyone else dying to know what exactly is going on underneath that cute little cropped sweater? Megan is also in possession of one of the tightest pair of jeans in the history of western civilization, as proven by a fan favorite Tommy Jarvis POV during that epic chase scene. Jennifer Cooke is a treasure to the franchise. I honestly feel super bad I couldn’t justify her being higher on the list. I don’t even mind that she keeps her clothes securely around her body during the film. Sometimes, like the horror movie death scenes, it’s what you don’t see that is the best part. So at number 6, from number 6, and released in ’86, Jennifer Cooke, we here at APC salute you. #swoon


5 Marta Kober SANDRA Part II

 Number 5: From Friday the 13th Part II – Marta Kober – “Sandra”

This spot almost went to Friday the 13th Part II star Amy Steel, but I made a one pair per film rule, and at the end of the day I am a sucker for a short brunette with big naturals. For proof just look to Producer Danielle. Sandra and Jeff are a mischievous pair of camp counselors. When they’re not getting brought in by the local sheriff, they’re off making love before becoming a human shish kabob. Sandra, like the bible’s very own Eve, is the mastermind behind most of their adventures. Sandra and Jeff are the franchise’s prototype couple. Sandra’s bikini top secures her spot at number 5 on this ridiculous list.


4 Judie Aronson SAMANTHA The Final Chapter

 Number 4: From Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter – Judie Aronson – “Samantha”

The science isn’t very weird as to why Judie Aronson is a solid top five pick. At number 4 Aronson’s portrayal of Samantha is everything we’ve come to know and love about the franchises ladies that find them selves at the wrong place at the wrong time. Corey Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis had a front row seat when Samantha finds herself in front of a window as she stripped down to her birthday suit. Unfortunately just as the action started to heat up, Tommy’s mom has to kill the mood completely by pulling down the shade. Fortunately for us, Sam and her friends decide it best to strip and dip at the lake the next day. Still not convinced? Moments after losing her boyfriend to one half of the double mint twins, Sam takes a stroll to the lake to cool off. She doubles our pleasure when she strips down to nothing and swims out to a raft, moments before Jason gives her the ultimate Oh Shit face.


3 Elizabeth Kaitan ROBIN A New Blood

 Number 3: From Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood – Elizabeth Kaitan – “Robin”

If you’re a fan of b-movies from the 80s-90s, then you’re sure to know this face and chest. Elizabeth Kaitan skyrocketed to success in genre picture after genre picture. I’m a tad bias because I am a huge fan of hers from the Vice Academy series, but she earns her stripes in the Friday franchise after bedding the lovable stoner and then teasing us viewers with glimpses here an there of those sweet naturals. Robin follows in the footsteps of the original films Marcie when she meets her demise post coitus as she searches for her boyfriend while barefoot and wearing a shirt. I always felt her death was a tad weak sauce, as I have never been a fan of when Jason simple throws a beautiful girl from a window.  But, if memory serves correctly, Robin had a much better death designed, but the filmmakers had to scrap it when they ran low on time. People claim that Part VII is their favorite because of the FX and it being Kane Hodder’s first trip to Crystal Lake, but I wonder if they’re just too embarrassed to admit it’s because of Ms. Kaitan’s sweet naturals.


2 Julianna Guill BREE Friday the 13th 2009

 Number 2: Friday the 13th (2009) – Julianna Guill – “Bree”

Julianna Guill comes in at number 2 on our list and for good measure. When it was announced that Friday the 13th was being remade by Platinum Dunes, fans across the world took a collective gasp. Then when a producer said in an interview that they were embracing everything that fans loved about the series including sexual charged young adults, everyone exhaled and thought what I thought: “It’s impossible to fuck up a Friday the 13th movie.” I’m happy to admit that I was right. You really can’t screw up a Friday the 13th movie. The formula is so simple. Drugs, hot guys and girls,  sex, copious amounts of blood, a hockey masked killer (or bag headed), inventive kills. Now add in the adorable Julianna Guill as nympho Bree and you have a closet fan favorite. I love this film. Derek Mears owns as Jason. Bree and Trent have the greatest sex scene of the franchise putting Jason Goes to Hell’s tent sex to shame. Trent even utters the line that everyone is thinking when he tells Bree that her tits are stupendous. He later goes on to compliment her nipple placement. Her nipple placement! I’m telling you, you can’t fuck up a Friday the 13th film. Unless you’re Ronny Yu.


1 Debisue Voorhees TINA A New Beggining

 Number 1: From Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning –  Deborah “Debisue” Voorhees – “Tina”

The number one best breasts belong to an actress that happens to share the surname of the masked maniac, and if you’ve never had a chance to peep out these heavy hangers, you’re missing out. Friday the 13th gets a wicked bad rap. And in a movie that could have claimed eight of the 12 spots on this list, it’s a no brainer that Deborah will take top honors every time. Deborah’s Tina also walks away with one of the more vicious kills of the whole entire series, in my so very humble opinion. Tina and her lunatic boy-toy Eddie fuck like rabbits, but most all of it is just eluded to during other characters’ dialogue. But when director Danny Steinmann finally lets us take a peek at one of Tina and Eddie’s romps in the woods, he keeps us there until we can’t see straight. Get it? Because both die in eye related deaths. Genius. I digress. Debisue Voorhees will forever be remembered as the best of the best when it comes to slasher flick nudes. Her boobs are simply the best.


SUMMATION: 

So that’s it folks. Four years of taunting the audience, I finally pulled the trigger. Hopefully you readers know that this is meant in fun. No disrespect was intended toward any of the actresses left off of, or appearing on the list. Nudity is only one of many reasons to check out the Friday the 13th flicks. Friday the 13th, to me, has always meant a fun time with friends, or even alone. An escape from the day-to-day horrors of the real world to watch an indestructible killer stalk and murder groups of characters that we the audience see ourselves in. I mainly wanted to compile this list because there aren’t very many lists like it outside of maybe a Mr. Skin countdown. I’m too lazy to fact check that claim. The sex and nudity play a key role in the history and success of these films. Boobs, like the inventive kill scenarios and gallons of blood, should be celebrated. Hooray for titties, folks. Until next time, we’ll see you next Tuesday (K)night!

–Jeremy L. Morrison

Dear Horror Movies, This Relationship is Over


Dear Horror Movies:

When I was introduced to you many years ago it was love at first sight. You immediately made my emotions scream like they never had before. For those first few years, you were there for me during every moment of my life, even if it was just as a faint whisper in my mind. You were in my head and I couldn’t get you out, and I didn’t want to. Those were great years, but I have to admit, I haven’t felt that way in a long time. That is why I’m writing you this letter.

It’s time we go our separate ways.

It’s not you.

It’s me.

Don’t get me wrong, the years we spent together were fun, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world, but I can’t go on living this lie. It’s not fair to you.

I will never forget the many nights we spent together, just me and you, playing mind games with each other until the sun came up. it was during these nights that you introduced me to humanity, and showed me the cruelty it was capable of inflicting from the safety of my recliner.

You screamed for me.

You bled for me.

You came back from the dead for me.

Most importantly though, you opened my eyes to the horrors of life itself, and taught me that survival is often a difficult struggle. I thank you for those lessons.

You gave me everything you had in you, but it just isn’t enough any more.

Every time we get together it’s the same old thing. I know when you’re going to sneak up behind me and make a loud noise; when you are going to get violent and ugly; and who is going to make things right at the end of the night.I now see through the illusions and psychological games you have hidden behind all these years.

We’ve been in this rut for more than a decade, but I’ve been struggling to come to grips with it. I’ve continued telling myself that I still love you as much as I did when we first met, even though my heart has been telling me otherwise.

I hate to tell you this in a letter rather than face to face, but for the past few years, I’ve been spending more and more of my nights with the likes of comedy and action. While you sometimes brought those elements into our nights together, you’re halfhearted attempts have almost always failed to truly satisfy me. It’s true we’ve had some good nights, like the ones we spent with Herschell Gordon Lewis and Sam Raimi, but let’s be realistic here, being funny isn’t your greatest strength.

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I honestly don’t remember the last time I’ve yearned for the type of affection you are capable of giving. My tastes have just grown more complex than what you can offer. At this point in my life I’ve simply lived through enough real-life horror, that getting a break from you is a relief from my real-world stress. You aren’t capable of doing that for me anymore.

I thank you for your companionship all these years, and I will never forget you. There might even be times when we might get together for dinner every now and then, but don’t expect those times to come on a regular basis.

It’s time for both of us to move on. You go your way, and I’ll go mine.

May your journey be darker and bloodier than ever, and may those attributes bring you more lovers than ever. While I might be going forward on a much quieter, calmer path with more smiles than gasps, I will forever be hoping you find continued success.

Best wishes to you and yours,

Lee

Being James Brown is Hard to Do, Good Luck ‘Get on Up’

Look out, there’s a James Brown biopic due to hit theaters in August.

Trailers for Get on Up are already starting to pop up on TV stations, meaning the hype squad behind this flick are preparing to be some of the hardest working hype people in show business. That kind of lead time is the type usually reserved for summer blockbusters featuring tons of CGI and people in stupid costumes.

Do Ron Howard and his pals at Imagine Entertainment, and Mick Jagger of Jagged Films, think they have another Ray on their hands?

Maybe they do. Only time will tell.

Chadwick Boseman is playing the Godfather of Soul in the film, and he’s got his work cut out for him. James Brown could electrify the stage when he was in the mood to bring the house to its knees.

Go back and watch some of Brown’s performances from the 70s that were caught on film. His band was notoriously tight, his mic skills were out of sight, and he blew the roof off the joint like he was dynamite, on a regular basis.

I’m no James Brown historian, but in my mind this was James Brown at the height of his powers.

Really the only reason I’m even bringing the movie up is just to have an excuse to post a 15-minute video of perhaps the best performance I’ve seen.

In 1974 James Brown flew to Zaire to perform in a music festival connected with the George Foreman vs Muhammad Ali’s famed Rumble in the Jungle fight. The festival was the subject of a 2008 documentary called Soul Power

The filmmakers dug up footage of not only the performances, but the behind the scenes stuff as well.

I’ve often said every musician on the planet should watch the clips of James Brown in Zaire and take notes, because this guy puts on an amazing show. Fortunately, that can be found on YouTube.

(And don’t tell anybody, but the Soul Power documentary is on YouTube too.)

It Sounds Good to Me! #SnubsByAPC

SnubsByAPC - SoundSound. Most of us take it for granted, but as we’ve discussed on the show in the past, it can make or break your film. The Academy knows this and that is why they have deemed it acceptable to have not one, but two categories at Hollywood’s biggest night. A lot of folks that watch the awards show will scream at their television set to cut the bologna and get to the good stuff, but we here at APC aren’t exactly sure what that good stuff is. Surely they don’t mean a host walking around among the room filled with Hollywood heavy hitters while asking if they can chip in for a pizza. I imagine that you, like me, tune in for the pleasure of seeing an underdog walk away with a prestigious award while the cast of 12 Years a Slave grumble amongst themselves, “At least we are a lock for Best Picture.”

Here is my beef with sound, nobody fucking cares. Production Design? Nobody fucking cares. Cinematography? Nobody fucking cares. Outside of the industry nobody fucking cares about these categories that people have tirelessly busted their asses in. For the most part the folks nominated in these select categories are lumped in with the Best Picture category. Here’s my challenge to you, gentle reader. Go look at all the awards handed out during the 80s. go ahead, I’ll be right here…..Done? Great! Now, let me ask you a serious question. How many times have you watched a horror movie on mute? Seriously, I want to know. No, fuck you, I’ll make my point when I get to it. You done yet? Okay, answer the question. That’s what I thought. Go watch Hellraiser on mute. Go watch Friday the 13th Part IV on mute. Laughable, am I right? Now turn up that surround sound system and close your eyes. Frank getting ripped apart. Jason slaughtering his way through Corey Feldman’s neighbors. All of it is 10 times more effective with sound. Horror movies, like all movies, can be great, or horrible if the sound is or isn’t right. Actually, I think I can watch a low budget sex comedy if the sound isn’t right. Vice Academy series anyone?! Actually, I might prefer to watch that series on mute, because jerking off is all visual for me.

Here’s my thought, dearest member of the Academy. Start nominating more horror films for their achievements in sound. Horror fans are a loyal lot. I guarantee you they would tune in to see a film they love get the recognition it so desperately deserves. Where was Insidious: Chapter 2? The Conjuring? Granted they would have fallen to the non-best picture winning juggernaut that was Gravity. The horror fans would have tuned in to root for the film, and might have stayed around for the selfie record breaking performance. Every year there was a new Nightmare on Elm St film, it should have won for sound. Also it should have for best visual fx, but I’ll keep this rant for sound. Yes, sound. Most of us take it for granted, but  it can make or break your film.

Office Space – No Respect for Laughter #SnubsByAPC

OS SNUBSBYAPC

  • The Show: 72nd Academy Awards (click the link for a full list of winners)
  • The Host: Billy Crystal
  • The Snub: Office Space (1999) with ZERO nominations!

OFFICE SPACE

The Scoop: American Beauty took 5 Oscars home this year which included beating out The Green Mile and The Sixth Sense for Best Picture. I’m not saying that Office Space is a better film. Hell, any film that features a nude Thora Birch (sure she was underage, but I was the same age…right?) is in good favor with me, but American Beauty also featured a floating bag and a masturbating Kevin Spacey. Kinda equals things out. Surely had American Beauty not won, The Green Mile would have, but it’s fun to bitch about things on the internet, so lets begin.

OFFICE SPACE 2

Comedy gets very little respect among the old stiffs that make up the Academy members. This will never change, because apparently as you get older in Hollywood you forget how to laugh. Office Space is a film that Hollywood hates, but secretly loves, passing bootlegs among co-worker to co-worker around the water cooler as the weekend box office grosses tank. Granted Office Space is a “cult” classic, but that only makes it that much more of a snub in this writer’s ever so humble opinion.

OFFICE SPACE 3

Best Original Screenplay? Mike Judge is a lot of things, one of which is a great fucking writer. How about a Best Supporting Actor Nomination for Gary Cole, Stephen Root, David Herman, or Diedrich Bader? Best Actress Hilary Swank deserved all the hype for her role in Boys Don’t Cry. And there probably isn’t any way Angelina Jolie doesn’t walk away with the Best Supporting Actress for Girl, Interrupted. How about just a nomination in either category for the fun performance given by Jennifer Aniston.

JEN ANISTON

Here at APC we’ve learned not to expect much in the winners category, but some recognition would be nice.