It’s that time of year again, folks. Leaves are changing colors, children of all ages are dressing up to battle rogue killer clowns while gathering as much candy as humanly possible, and horror aficionados are dusting off their VHS tapes to take a trip to beautiful Haddonfield, IL. Oh, and resident boobie guru J-Mo is back to count down the most memorable assets our old pal Michael Myers has encountered. If you’re new to this, let’s revisit the rules: 1) J-Mo can only choose one actress per film. 2) The actress does NOT have to appear nude. J-Mo appreciates boobs of all shapes and sizes, and he feels that a little mystery can be a great thing. 3) J-Mo is not a sexist pig. Breasts are great and should be celebrated. Free the nipple or something. 4) J-Mo hates writing in the third person, so why don’t we get this thing underway!
10. Mariah O’Brien – Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
Kicking off our list at number ten is the grunge princess of Haddonfield, Mariah O’Brien. Mariah plays Beth, the “have sex and you’ll die,” shock-jock lovin’ girlfriend of Tim Strode. Apparently Beth didn’t get the memo that the Strode’s have a rather short life expectancy in Haddonfield. Beth’s main purpose in the film is leading the cause to bring Halloween back to Haddonfield. I don’t know, Beth, when all seems quiet in the streets of Haddonfield, maybe you should leave well enough alone and head over to a neighboring town to celebrate. Word on the street is the Doyle’s haven’t been handing out those full sized snicker bars since 1978 anyway. Copious character flaws aside, Beth is one of the few in the series BZ (Before Zombie) to show some skin, and for that us fans will forever be thankful. Perky pokers aside, you’re annoying as all hell, and J-Mo don’t do crazy.
9. Tamara Glynn – Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
At number nine we have Tamara Glynn. After a recent conversation with Thomas Bryce of Shit Movie Fest I believe he is going to be very displeased with her ranking on the list, but I’m sure our friendship will survive this hiccup. Tamara plays Samantha Thomas, the typical peppy girl next door blonde type with a kooky boyfriend. Her sole purpose in the film is yet again to warn children of the “have sex and you’ll die” mantra that horror films loved to spew at you in the 1980s. By the way, this is total bullshit and can be proved wrong by a handful of slasher films up to and counting “Friday the 13th”…#MakeHorrorGreatAgain… Back to Tamara, she really is sweet in the film and is ready to take things to the next level with her silly boy-toy, but ultimately leaves much to be desired.
8. Tyra Banks – Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Listen… I know she is literally the worst part of a movie featuring Busta Rhymes kung-fu fighting Michael Myers, but two things. First: Diversity. Second:…Halloween: Resurrection is slim pickins, folks. I know technically I’m not supposed to judge the hangers by their work outside of the film itself, but you know they’re there. Unfortunately for the viewers of this supremely underrated sequel, Tyra finds herself in this position for the majority of her time on screen…I’m not sure why she is so confused in this movie, or why she is so content on covering her best attributes up, but hey, jokes on me. She made the list and you got a visual presentation…Well played, Tyra.
7. Sylvia Jefferies – Halloween II (2009)
In at number eight is Sylvia Jefferies as Misty Dawn in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II. It’s no secret that I’m not an uber fan of any Halloween PZ (Post Zombie), but I will say I enjoyed his sequel effort more because you can kinda shut your brain off and not worry about much for the duration of the running time. Misty Dawn is about as scuzzy of a human you’ll find around Haddonfield. Sylvia’s part is small in the film, but it is a lot of fun. Mainly because WWE Superstar Michael Myers comes in and fucks shit up in such a laughable manner, one can’t help but wonder if the scene was written to be one of the greatest Kids in the Hall sketches of all-time. One might say Sylvia is the White Horse of the film. Would that make Daniel Roebuck the White Knight as he is riding her, plowing that ass doggy-style like a city employee ruining a Snow Day? WOW! Halloween II (2009) has just been saved!
6. P.J. Soles – Halloween (1978)
Yup, you totally read that right. P.J. Soles totally comes in at number six as Lynda van der Klok in the original Halloween. I totally know what you’re thinking, but I have to ask you, “see anything you like?” Totally! P.J. Soles totally deserves this spot on the list. Any of the girls from Halloween could have totally made the cut, but I can only choose one. Lynda is totally THE “have sex and you’ll die” character of the entire series. She meets her demise after totally one of the quickest bone sessions with her main man Bob. And to add insult to injury, Lynda’s gasps for help are totally confused for fake orgasms by Laurie. P.J. Soles is totally a treasure, and she’ll always have a place in the fans heart as the hippest chick in Haddonfield. Even if she always totally forgets her text books. Totally.
5. Kristina Klebe – Halloween (2007)
Oh shit, son! Back-to-back Lynda’s on the list! Kristina Klebe lands on the list at number five and we’re totally halfway done. Okay, so I think I used all the “totally’s” I can muster for P.J. Soles, so why don’t we just go back to a normal discussion about how amazing Kristina Klebe is in Halloween. More specifically how she is, I believe, the first full frontal nude of the series. Pretty awesome if it’s true. I don’t think I made that fact up. Fact check me, Internet. Kristina Klebe’s Lynda is not much of a departure from P.J. Soles’ Lynda, but I thought she was deserving of this higher spot as she was the only one of the three main girls in present day Haddonfield that didn’t make me want to punch kittens. Also, Klebe is one of the best actresses in film. Hands down. And she speaks German. Sign me up for those bonus points. Soles’ Lynda was there for the body count. Though Klebe’s is as well, and even knowing her fate before the opening credits even roll, she’s one of the few likable characters PZ. I would have put her higher on the list, but we;ve got some real Heavy Hangers…I mean, Heavy Hitters, coming up!
4. Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later (1998)
Finally! Jamie Lee Curtis has made her way on to the list. And yes, it’s for Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later. Sure she had a set of lungs on her (Stu’s words, not mine) in parts one and two, but to me, Jamie Lee Curtis is way hotter in H20 than the original flicks. She is a maternal figure working at a school. She’s having this secret fling with the Guidance Counselor. Drinks a lot. Still need convincing? How about this…This is a photo from True Lies released four years prior to H20. But let’s focus on H20 specifically…Jamie Lee Curtis as ax wielding Laurie Strode aka Keri Tate is one of the greatest images of the Haloween franchise. Their are two types of Halloween fan out there. The type that associates Jamie Lee Curtis with Halloween and the type that associates Danielle Harris with Halloween. Group B should not be trusted.
3. Stacey Nelkin – Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
I had a real dilemma as to whether or not I could or should include Season of the Witch on this list. It is a departure from Haddonfield and Michael Myers, but I was reminded that when Tom Atkins goes to the bar, a commercial for the original Halloween is seen playing on TV. LOOP HOLES! Also, and this is more for my own sanity, I figured if I included Season of the Witch, I would not have to include each separate PZ cut. Not sure how that math works, but I’ll allow it.
Seriously though, folks, how adorable is Stacey Nelkin as Ellie Grimbridge. She had to be on the list for sure. I also want to give a shout out to the young lass for taking a chance on true lust with the great Tom Atkins. Not only is he why God made fathers, but he also likes to be thrilled. And with Stacey, Tom Atkins is plenty thrilled…You see Ellie teams up with Atkins to figure out the conspiracy behind the walls of Silver Shamrock. Conal Cochran not only has the coolest name in the entire series, but he’s out to kill a bunch of kids on Halloween with these…If you look close enough you can see Captain Kirk’s soul trapped in the Force. Meanwhile, Ellie decides to bunk up with a married alcoholic doctor and seduce him wearing this…And when Tom Atkins finds out how old Ellie is, he finds himself in a pickle…But don’t worry folks, they still have time to make sweet love in a dank motel room amidst all the conspiracy and wacky plot points. Stacey Nelkin would be number two on this list if Michael Myers were properly involved in this film in any capacity…Awww…sad Michael.
2. Pamela Susan Shoop – Halloween II (1981)
Speaking of number two on the list, Pamela Susan Shoop plays Nurse Karen in Halloween II. Dr. Loomis has shot Michael Myers six times, dropping him out a second story window. Haddonfield is in utter chaos. Police cruisers are taking out would-be-boyfriends at an alarming rate. Blackboards are being vandalized with ancient pagan words. Dana Carvey is railroading youths into commenting on the local news reports. But don’t worry, Karen wants to bang Budd in the therapeutic whirlpools while a room full of infants face certain unsupervised death. Hey, Karen is a good person though. She knows she is going to be late for work, but still keeps her promise and drives her friend home. That’s a solid move. Her friend could have been hit by a rouge police cruiser. Pamela Susan Shoop also falls victim to Michael Myers in one of the more gruesome deaths of the series. Her face is boiled as she drowns. Yuck. Talk about a twofer of suck. Oh, and she is topless the entire time. Quadruple-fer?
1. Kathleen Kinmont – Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
And no surprise here, Kathleen Kinmont has the number one spot on lock-down. Mr. Skin has Kathleen in the books for 10 nude roles, but for reasons beyond our control, Ms. Kinmont chose to tease the Halloween faithful with major cleavage, epic side boob and sweet pokies under her “Cops Do It By The Book” white tee…In part four Kathleen plays Kelly Meeker, Haddonfield’s resident knockout and daughter of Sheriff Meeker, the town’s badass. Kelly has a thing for her co-worker Brady who is dating Rachel Carruthers sorta-sister to Jamie Lloyd niece of Michael Myers. One can assume that she is also another victim of the “have sex and you’ll die” rule, but before Brady can slip in the tip, Sheriff Meeker, Dr. Loomis, Rachel and Jamie pull in to the drive-way before Brady ever has the chance to pull out. I guess you can also safely assume that if Kelly is willing to hand out candy while wearing just a t-shirt to trick ‘r treaters before attempting to sleep with a co-worker in a complicated relationship, that she has had plenty of sex before and her death is justified in the series for being the town whore. Ah, the 80s. When slut shaming was common place and PC Police were still in Huggies.
Let’s take a moment to honor Kathleen Kinmont and her stellar work in the Halloween franchise…
Well folks, we did it. Another year is in the books and hopefully if you’ve made it this far you know that this is meant to celebrate not only the women that made the Halloween franchise great, but also to take a moment to give thanks to those kind enough to show their skin in cinema for the enjoyment of perverts across the globe. These days I get a little nervous when compiling a list like this, because it could be viewed as offensive in nature. When in reality it is meant to induce a chuckle or two. I hope you enjoyed the experience. Do you disagree with the choices? Was someone higher or lower than expected? Well reach out to me on any of my social media platforms so i can tell you that I don’t care to your face.