On the latest episode of the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jeremy, Jason and Hank take a look at the runaway podcast hit ‘Missing Richard Simmons’ and offer up their thoughts on how the series came to a close. Jeremy offers up his take on the new Dax Shepard and Michael Pena flick with a discussion of his ‘CHIPS’ screening. Hank brings some of his latest gaming adventures to the table while Jason tries to keep himself mentally afloat with a quick rundown on Dave Chapelle’s latest specials on Netflix. There’s this and a whole lot more this week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast! Spread the word, leave a review and be sure to subscribe to the show on iTunes for our continuing adventures!
On the latest episode of the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jeremy and Jason know no bounds as they take on everything from mysteries left unsolved to witches to haunted bunk beds and beyond! The duo offers up their takes on the recent developments in the ‘Friday The 13th’ and ‘Halloween’ franchises, as well as the demise of Fangoria magazine. Jason offers up a behind-the-scenes look at his interview with screen legend John Schneider and Jeremy goes spoiler-crazy with his review of Amy Adams’ in ‘Arrival’ (which is not to be confused with the Carlos Estévez masterpiece, ’The Arrival.’) Spread the word, leave a review and be sure to subscribe to the show on iTunes for our continuing adventures!
On the latest episode of the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, the trio of Jeremy, Jason and Hank, nurse their wounds after a night of hardcore electioning. Back together after a two week hiatus they bring a delightful mixed bag of topics to the table. Jeremy starts the fun by bringing us up to speed on his latest think piece — “Halloween Knockers: Celebrating Haddonfield’s Most Memorable Racks.” He also brings us up to speed on his latest 366 movie challenge. Hank offers up two new entries in his “Tales of Woe” series and a look at HBO’s ‘Westworld.’ To bring it all home, Jason gives us the details on his upcoming “Great American Chili Cookoff” and a look at his recent interviews which include Judd Nelson, Dee Snider and more. Spread the word, leave a review and be sure to subscribe to the show on iTunes for our continuing adventures!
It’s that time of year again, folks. Leaves are changing colors, children of all ages are dressing up to battle rogue killer clowns while gathering as much candy as humanly possible, and horror aficionados are dusting off their VHS tapes to take a trip to beautiful Haddonfield, IL. Oh, and resident boobie guru J-Mo is back to count down the most memorable assets our old pal Michael Myers has encountered. If you’re new to this, let’s revisit the rules: 1) J-Mo can only choose one actress per film. 2) The actress does NOT have to appear nude. J-Mo appreciates boobs of all shapes and sizes, and he feels that a little mystery can be a great thing. 3) J-Mo is not a sexist pig. Breasts are great and should be celebrated. Free the nipple or something. 4) J-Mo hates writing in the third person, so why don’t we get this thing underway!
10. Mariah O’Brien – Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
Kicking off our list at number ten is the grunge princess of Haddonfield, Mariah O’Brien. Mariah plays Beth, the “have sex and you’ll die,” shock-jock lovin’ girlfriend of Tim Strode. Apparently Beth didn’t get the memo that the Strode’s have a rather short life expectancy in Haddonfield. Beth’s main purpose in the film is leading the cause to bring Halloween back to Haddonfield. I don’t know, Beth, when all seems quiet in the streets of Haddonfield, maybe you should leave well enough alone and head over to a neighboring town to celebrate. Word on the street is the Doyle’s haven’t been handing out those full sized snicker bars since 1978 anyway. Copious character flaws aside, Beth is one of the few in the series BZ (Before Zombie) to show some skin, and for that us fans will forever be thankful. Perky pokers aside, you’re annoying as all hell, and J-Mo don’t do crazy.
9. Tamara Glynn – Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
At number nine we have Tamara Glynn. After a recent conversation with Thomas Bryce of Shit Movie Fest I believe he is going to be very displeased with her ranking on the list, but I’m sure our friendship will survive this hiccup. Tamara plays Samantha Thomas, the typical peppy girl next door blonde type with a kooky boyfriend. Her sole purpose in the film is yet again to warn children of the “have sex and you’ll die” mantra that horror films loved to spew at you in the 1980s. By the way, this is total bullshit and can be proved wrong by a handful of slasher films up to and counting “Friday the 13th”…#MakeHorrorGreatAgain… Back to Tamara, she really is sweet in the film and is ready to take things to the next level with her silly boy-toy, but ultimately leaves much to be desired.
8. Tyra Banks – Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Listen… I know she is literally the worst part of a movie featuring Busta Rhymes kung-fu fighting Michael Myers, but two things. First: Diversity. Second:…Halloween: Resurrection is slim pickins, folks. I know technically I’m not supposed to judge the hangers by their work outside of the film itself, but you know they’re there. Unfortunately for the viewers of this supremely underrated sequel, Tyra finds herself in this position for the majority of her time on screen…I’m not sure why she is so confused in this movie, or why she is so content on covering her best attributes up, but hey, jokes on me. She made the list and you got a visual presentation…Well played, Tyra.
7. Sylvia Jefferies – Halloween II (2009)
In at number eight is Sylvia Jefferies as Misty Dawn in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II. It’s no secret that I’m not an uber fan of any Halloween PZ (Post Zombie), but I will say I enjoyed his sequel effort more because you can kinda shut your brain off and not worry about much for the duration of the running time. Misty Dawn is about as scuzzy of a human you’ll find around Haddonfield. Sylvia’s part is small in the film, but it is a lot of fun. Mainly because WWE Superstar Michael Myers comes in and fucks shit up in such a laughable manner, one can’t help but wonder if the scene was written to be one of the greatest Kids in the Hall sketches of all-time. One might say Sylvia is the White Horse of the film. Would that make Daniel Roebuck the White Knight as he is riding her, plowing that ass doggy-style like a city employee ruining a Snow Day? WOW! Halloween II (2009) has just been saved!
6. P.J. Soles – Halloween (1978)
Yup, you totally read that right. P.J. Soles totally comes in at number six as Lynda van der Klok in the original Halloween. I totally know what you’re thinking, but I have to ask you, “see anything you like?” Totally! P.J. Soles totally deserves this spot on the list. Any of the girls from Halloween could have totally made the cut, but I can only choose one. Lynda is totally THE “have sex and you’ll die” character of the entire series. She meets her demise after totally one of the quickest bone sessions with her main man Bob. And to add insult to injury, Lynda’s gasps for help are totally confused for fake orgasms by Laurie. P.J. Soles is totally a treasure, and she’ll always have a place in the fans heart as the hippest chick in Haddonfield. Even if she always totally forgets her text books. Totally.
5. Kristina Klebe – Halloween (2007)
Oh shit, son! Back-to-back Lynda’s on the list! Kristina Klebe lands on the list at number five and we’re totally halfway done. Okay, so I think I used all the “totally’s” I can muster for P.J. Soles, so why don’t we just go back to a normal discussion about how amazing Kristina Klebe is in Halloween. More specifically how she is, I believe, the first full frontal nude of the series. Pretty awesome if it’s true. I don’t think I made that fact up. Fact check me, Internet. Kristina Klebe’s Lynda is not much of a departure from P.J. Soles’ Lynda, but I thought she was deserving of this higher spot as she was the only one of the three main girls in present day Haddonfield that didn’t make me want to punch kittens. Also, Klebe is one of the best actresses in film. Hands down. And she speaks German. Sign me up for those bonus points. Soles’ Lynda was there for the body count. Though Klebe’s is as well, and even knowing her fate before the opening credits even roll, she’s one of the few likable characters PZ. I would have put her higher on the list, but we;ve got some real Heavy Hangers…I mean, Heavy Hitters, coming up!
4. Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later (1998)
Finally! Jamie Lee Curtis has made her way on to the list. And yes, it’s for Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later. Sure she had a set of lungs on her (Stu’s words, not mine) in parts one and two, but to me, Jamie Lee Curtis is way hotter in H20 than the original flicks. She is a maternal figure working at a school. She’s having this secret fling with the Guidance Counselor. Drinks a lot. Still need convincing? How about this…This is a photo from True Lies released four years prior to H20. But let’s focus on H20 specifically…Jamie Lee Curtis as ax wielding Laurie Strode aka Keri Tate is one of the greatest images of the Haloween franchise. Their are two types of Halloween fan out there. The type that associates Jamie Lee Curtis with Halloween and the type that associates Danielle Harris with Halloween. Group B should not be trusted.
3. Stacey Nelkin – Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
I had a real dilemma as to whether or not I could or should include Season of the Witch on this list. It is a departure from Haddonfield and Michael Myers, but I was reminded that when Tom Atkins goes to the bar, a commercial for the original Halloween is seen playing on TV. LOOP HOLES! Also, and this is more for my own sanity, I figured if I included Season of the Witch, I would not have to include each separate PZ cut. Not sure how that math works, but I’ll allow it.
Seriously though, folks, how adorable is Stacey Nelkin as Ellie Grimbridge. She had to be on the list for sure. I also want to give a shout out to the young lass for taking a chance on true lust with the great Tom Atkins. Not only is he why God made fathers, but he also likes to be thrilled. And with Stacey, Tom Atkins is plenty thrilled…You see Ellie teams up with Atkins to figure out the conspiracy behind the walls of Silver Shamrock. Conal Cochran not only has the coolest name in the entire series, but he’s out to kill a bunch of kids on Halloween with these…If you look close enough you can see Captain Kirk’s soul trapped in the Force. Meanwhile, Ellie decides to bunk up with a married alcoholic doctor and seduce him wearing this…And when Tom Atkins finds out how old Ellie is, he finds himself in a pickle…But don’t worry folks, they still have time to make sweet love in a dank motel room amidst all the conspiracy and wacky plot points. Stacey Nelkin would be number two on this list if Michael Myers were properly involved in this film in any capacity…Awww…sad Michael.
2. Pamela Susan Shoop – Halloween II (1981)
Speaking of number two on the list, Pamela Susan Shoop plays Nurse Karen in Halloween II. Dr. Loomis has shot Michael Myers six times, dropping him out a second story window. Haddonfield is in utter chaos. Police cruisers are taking out would-be-boyfriends at an alarming rate. Blackboards are being vandalized with ancient pagan words. Dana Carvey is railroading youths into commenting on the local news reports. But don’t worry, Karen wants to bang Budd in the therapeutic whirlpools while a room full of infants face certain unsupervised death. Hey, Karen is a good person though. She knows she is going to be late for work, but still keeps her promise and drives her friend home. That’s a solid move. Her friend could have been hit by a rouge police cruiser. Pamela Susan Shoop also falls victim to Michael Myers in one of the more gruesome deaths of the series. Her face is boiled as she drowns. Yuck. Talk about a twofer of suck. Oh, and she is topless the entire time. Quadruple-fer?
1. Kathleen Kinmont – Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
And no surprise here, Kathleen Kinmont has the number one spot on lock-down. Mr. Skin has Kathleen in the books for 10 nude roles, but for reasons beyond our control, Ms. Kinmont chose to tease the Halloween faithful with major cleavage, epic side boob and sweet pokies under her “Cops Do It By The Book” white tee…In part four Kathleen plays Kelly Meeker, Haddonfield’s resident knockout and daughter of Sheriff Meeker, the town’s badass. Kelly has a thing for her co-worker Brady who is dating Rachel Carruthers sorta-sister to Jamie Lloyd niece of Michael Myers. One can assume that she is also another victim of the “have sex and you’ll die” rule, but before Brady can slip in the tip, Sheriff Meeker, Dr. Loomis, Rachel and Jamie pull in to the drive-way before Brady ever has the chance to pull out. I guess you can also safely assume that if Kelly is willing to hand out candy while wearing just a t-shirt to trick ‘r treaters before attempting to sleep with a co-worker in a complicated relationship, that she has had plenty of sex before and her death is justified in the series for being the town whore. Ah, the 80s. When slut shaming was common place and PC Police were still in Huggies.
Let’s take a moment to honor Kathleen Kinmont and her stellar work in the Halloween franchise…
Well folks, we did it. Another year is in the books and hopefully if you’ve made it this far you know that this is meant to celebrate not only the women that made the Halloween franchise great, but also to take a moment to give thanks to those kind enough to show their skin in cinema for the enjoyment of perverts across the globe. These days I get a little nervous when compiling a list like this, because it could be viewed as offensive in nature. When in reality it is meant to induce a chuckle or two. I hope you enjoyed the experience. Do you disagree with the choices? Was someone higher or lower than expected? Well reach out to me on any of my social media platforms so i can tell you that I don’t care to your face.
This week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, the boys are back at full-strength. The power trio delve into the fantastical with a bevy of strange topics. Hank leads the charge with a story on how his being a cheap bastard lead him to purchasing Chinese underwear online. They then dive deep into J-Mo’s psyche as they attempt to diagnose his yearly need to rearrange the furniture in his home. Only time will tell if he will start leaving glasses of water around the room to fend off aliens. In other news, Jason recounts his recent trip to meet The Boz and gives us a look inside the differences better sports autograph shows, horror cons and Wizard World. They cap off the episode with a look at Netflix’s ’Stranger Things.’ Spread the word, leave a review and be sure to tune in each week for the latest and greatest!
This week the boys discuss the annoying traits of internet zines and their hypocritical staff writers. We catch up with all the latest going on over at Icon Vs. Icon. Hank introduces J-Mo to the wild and crazy time that is Rob Zombie’s new compact disc. And Lastly, J-Mo shares the latest on his 366 Challenge. Rate! Review! Share!
The boys are back and they’re not alone! This week J-Mo and Jason are joined by the fantastic Hank Price. But first, Jason catches us up to date with the goings on over at Icon Vs. Icon and a recent chance to chat with the always wonderful Eliza Dushku. J-Mo also shares his latest ‘366 Movie Challenge’ and how he has been prepping for the most anticipated film of 2016, Zack Snyder’s ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’, As always don’t forget to rate, review, and share.
Another Halloween has come and gone, leaving you with a wicked case of the bloody booze blues, no doubt. But fear not, sweet reader, as November 1st 2015 marks a milestone in one of horror’s most beloved franchises. “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge” turns 30 years old! I personally achieved this milestone back in August and can assure you that the best way to make a 30 year old feel special: Overtly Sexualize Them. But how do you make it special? You never want to regift something on someone’s big day. Having ranked the boobs of both “Friday the 13th” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” series, I figured it was time to switch it up by giving some love to the men of a franchise for once. So dive right in and see if your favorite hunk hottie made the list.
9. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare – Breckin Meyer – Spencer
I would be clueless not to include Breckin Meyer, folks. As the sweet stoner Spencer, Breckin shows us why smokin’ out on Elm Street is a horrible idea. I’m not sure if Spencer’s death is meant as a cautionary tale of what too much drugs and video games will do to you, but if you’re rockin’ a sweet ass Power Glove, why wouldn’t you want to lay about and spark a bowl?! Spencer is the typical late eighties, early nineties surfer burnout-type, which I’m sure were a dime a dozen in Springwood, OH., but Breckin rocks a million dollar smile and that is enough to get this list started.
8. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child – Michael Bailey Smith – Super Freddy
I can hear your confusion at my choice for number eight. To me it makes perfect sense. Super Freddy had the body of a Jason Voorhees, while rocking the attitude of our favorite wise crackin’ child molester. And that to me is a winning combo. Also, I believe that during the opening credits, when Dan is draining his seed into Alice’s guts leading to teen pregnancy, and the entire movie, Michael Bailey Smith is actually body doubling as Dan. So that helped in securing Michael on my list.
7. Freddy Vs Jason – Jason Ritter – Will Rollins
God I hate this movie. Which is the worst, because it has three things I love: Jason, Freddy, and Monica Keena’s boobs. But my hate has nothing to do with Jason Ritter’s performance. He’s got those sweet puppy dog eyes that scream “I’m trapped in a terrible situation,” and you just want to throw the guy a lifeline. Ritter and Keena’s boobs are about the only thing worth a damn in this terrible sequel. Disagree with me all you’d like, but remember one thing, typical horror nerd, both franchises were followed by remakes. Remakes, you know, those things you people hate? You can thank Freddy Vs. Jason.
It should be noted that my wife, Producer Danielle, is beyond troubled by the fact that Mr. Ritter ranks in at number seven. She feels he is a solid number three and a beautiful man.
6. New Nightmare – Wes Craven – Wes Craven
Power. Success. Creative as a motherfucker. These are all traits possessed by our hunk at number six. Wes Craven played himself in “New Nightmare.” So I guess I think Wes Craven is a hunk IRL, as the kids snapchat. I guess I do. I’ve idolized Wes Craven since the age of 4. He’s everything I wanted to grow up to be. I’d totally #MCM him.
5. A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake) – Clancy Brown – Alan Smith
There can be only one number five choice, and it is a no brainer for me. I love me some Clancy Brown. While either voicing a crab on a popular children’s cartoon, or beating the sweet sunny Jesus out of an inmate that doesn’t shut his trap, Clancy Brown is a tour de force. One could argue that he’s not the hunkiest of the remake cast, but my list, my rules. Clancy Brown plays Alan, the father of walking guyliner puppet Quentin. Now in the remake, Alan is the ringleader amongst the parents that decide Krueger should be stopped by any means necessary. Clancy Brown creates Freddy in the new universe, and I am okay with that. Hell, Clancy Brown could be responsible for my own demise and I would accept it with open arms so long as Clancy was there to narrate my passing. I mean, it would totally suck to be dead, but hopefully Clancy could bury me in a Pet Sematary 2.
4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors – Laurence Fishburne – Max
Laurence Fishburne is a force of nature. Think about it for a second. Has he ever done a bad flick? I can’t think of one off the top of my head. I’m pretty sure I’m probably wrong, but he can do no wrong in my eyes. Landing at number four is pretty solid in my opinion. Max is a pretty awesome character. One of the few authority figures in the series that seems to want to help these kids. You can see it takes a toll on him when they begin to fall victim to their dreams. Laurence plays Max perfectly. Strict and tough, yet caring and compassionate. I like the cut of his jib. And hats off to Laurence for making it through the film in one piece. men and women of color are not often thought of as survivors in genre pictures.
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master – Andras Jones – Rick
Rick and his little meatball fall in at number three. Alice’s brother is played by Andras Jones, Calvin in “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” from 1988. Whether kicking the air’s ass in his garage dojo, or wearing dick friendly sweats in gym class, Rick does it while looking dope. 80s fashion has never looked better. To this day I cannot listen to Dramarama without thinking of Rick’s nun-chuckin’ skills. Also, how hot do you have to be to hook up with Tuesday Knight? Way hot, dudes with uber confidence. The kind of confidence that once absorbed by your sister she is finally able to kick the souls right out of Freddy’s chest cavity.
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street – Johnny Depp – Glen Lantz
I’m sure it is no shocker that Johnny Depp is on a list ranking the hottest hunks on Elm Street. However I assume most everyone with a working brain probably had him pegged as a lock at number one. I’m so edgy. Johnny Depp’s crop top and barely legal babyface made their debut in Wes Craven’s classic film from 1984. And it is all thanks to Wes’ daughter Jessica, whom insisted her father cast the young stud in-lieu of the standard proto-jock the then struggling filmmaker envisioned for the role. Needless to say it was the first of many kickass projects Depp would go on to star in.
Johnny Depp’s character Glen is the shy, handsome boyfriend to Nancy Thompson, the object of Fred Krueger’s torment. Glen spends the majority of his time in denial, but leaves the film with one of the most memorable deaths in franchise history. The thing that I find most disturbing in horror films is when a dying character breaks the laws of cinema standard and becomes a living, breathing member of the real world. Glen, along with Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter’s Rob, have the most polarizing death scenes of each franchise because the actors are able to tap into a primal fear as they howl in agony. Rob’s “he’s killing me,” is powerful, but Glen’s innocent cries for his mother move the scene from horrifying into depths of misery, dread, and sheer heartbreak.
1. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge – Marshall Bell – Coach Schneider
Coach Schneider is a sadistic, leather clad piece of shit, and that is the kind of hidden kink that is sure to stike a cord with all my leather sluts out there. Marshall Bell is one helluvan actor. I hate him so much in so many roles. Which means one thing, folks. He’s fantastic at what he does. In Freddy’s Revenge, Mr. Bell is the thorn in Jesse and Grady’s taint.
Ever ogling the “dirtballs” doing push-ups or eavesdropping on the duo as they change after gym class, Coach Schneider “gets his rocks off” down at the local watering hole where the bears and twinks traverse after hours. One night Coach catches Jesse out for a nightcap. In attempt to teach the young man a lesson, Coach Schneider brings Jesse back to the school to run laps. Marshall Bell plays the scene with so much creepy joy. I love it.
Unfortunately for Coach Schneider, they aren’t alone. Maybe.
Marshall Bell also broke ground in this classic that turns 30 years old today as the first and only time you see a grown man’s ass. That, my friends, is a total hunk move.
*Editor’s Note: You see Mark Patton’s butt when Grady tackles him in the infield.
There you have it! My Hottest Hunks on Elm Street. Hopefully you’ve had as much fun reading as I have had writing. Unlike the previous boob-centric posts, I’ve never spent time sitting around my room asking myself who the hot dudes in the Elm Street franchise are. It was a challenge I thought should be tackled.
Special thanks to Jason Price of ICON VS. ICON for the nudge in the right direction, Thomas Bryce of SHIT MOVIE FEST for his eagerness to read, and Producer Danielle for acting as a sounding board for the hairless little fourteen year old inside of me.
–Jeremy L. Morrison
The hottest months of the year are upon us and that means two things: girls with sweaty boobs, and guys ooglin’ girls with sweaty boobs. So, dear reader, I’ve decided it is time to talk about the sweatiest of sweat filled sweat flicks, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise. Can you believe there are seven, yes, seven, films total in the franchise? Since the release of the remake and it’s prequel, I’ve always accidentally dismissed the third and fourth entries. Which is a shame, because “Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III” is probably the most fun post Hooper. “The Next Generation” gets a bad rap, but offers up some fun bits. And the last 15 minutes of that flick are pure anarchy. Overall “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise holds up and entertains to this day.
But we’re not here to talk about the films and what they’ve offered up entertainment wise. A few months back I finally put word-to-page an idea I had toyed with for many years. Ranking the best boobs of the Friday the 13th series. On the show Jason asked how I could top myself. Well, you can’t. It’s simply not possible. The Friday the 13th franchise has the best boob to film ratio out there. But I love a challenge and we decided that before my super secret “Best Of” project coming this November, I should try tackling another list in the dog days of Summer. Now I do want to put on front street that my initial idea was the best butts of the Texas Chainsaw series. Mainly because Jessica Biel has the best dumper in Hollywood. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” as a whole has the best butts of any franchise. You can quote me on that. And it’ll be easy to because I’ve put it in writing. But I digress…
The rules are the same as before, folks. I can only choose one pair of boobs per movie to fall on this best of seven list. Pretty easy when you think about it, actually, as part 2 only has one female character. And 3 has two. but it is where they fall on the list that may have some readers shaking their heads and sending in hate mail. Before we get started I want to preface this list the same way I did last time. I do not hate women. I am not a sexist monster. In fact I love women and love boobs almost as much as I love my own children. Also, this is done in fun. So fuck off if you don’t get the joke. If you’re offended by this list, just wait, there will be another one in 17.8 seconds that will offend you much more. This is the internet after all.
HERE WE GO!
Nothing against Kate Hodge, but someone had to bat first. Much like the actual sport of baseball, I’m hoping her leadoff spot earns a double and starts us down a 9th inning comeback that would make this year’s Cubs team proud. Kate Hodge is one of two young girls on the run in this flick, and also the first in the franchise to not go batshit crazy pre-credits. Actually (spoilers for a movie 20+ years old) she and Ken Foree ride off into the sunrise after delivering a great one-liner that would make Dirty Harry shift excitedly in his pants. Kate’s Michelle character is on the verge of a break up with her lame boyfriend played by William Butler. I only say this because I wanted to point out that Bill Butler, though great as always, plays a character that sucks by nature, thus making Kate seem that more awesome. Plus Bill Butler is the first Scream King.
With a single to left field, Tonie Perensky lands on our list at number six. Like Kate Hodge, Ms. Perensky has shown up nude in other flicks, but left the heavy lifting to a nude body double in this film starring Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger (gotta boost those google keyword searches) from 1994. Tonie Perensky’s Darla has the fortune of being our only villain on the list. Pretty sweet if you’re into that kinda factoid. Darla is the character that everyone knows from the previous flicks. The nice yet creepy character that eventually leads the lambs to the slaughter. Is it too late to alert you to a spoiler 21 years in the making? Apologies.
Here we go. Our first home run on the list. Are we keeping score at home? Stretch is everything you want in a character and then some added sprinkles on the top for good measure. Our lone female in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II,” Caroline Williams has killer taste in music, a bitchin’ job that allows her to play killer jams and interview chili cook-off winners, and even wins the heart of our masked man-child, ol’ Leatherface. Caroline Williams set a high standard for what hardcore and casual fans alike would come to expect, yet never see again in the franchise. A woman playing a character that looks like she was really having a lot of fun while on set. Aside from chainsaw kills and Bill Mosely, Stretch is everything we want from a Texas Chainsaw flick. Hooper did something magical with this sequel…he made a polar opposite film from the one he had made over a decade prior. Shit. I’m starting to review the movie. Sorry. Back to boobs…
The standard! A grandslam with no one on base is impossible in baseball, but Teri McMinn manages the feat at number four on our list. Again, if this were a butt post, Marilyn Burns would be the winner, and she would be higher up on the list. Maybe. And though Marilyn Burns’ braless pokies are a staple of the frachise, Teri McMinn’s iconic image hangin’ on a meat hook in a clevagetastic top is what this franchise, from a marketing standpoint, in my humble opinion and my opinion alone, was built on.
McMinn stars as Pam, the down to earth hippy chick that is “along for the ride” in the classic roller coaster of emotions that started it all. Pam’s got two things on her mind, finding a spot to fuck her boyfriend, preferably by water, and avoiding Franklin and his annoying squealing. The second to die (seriously, I’m not spoiling a movie over 40 fuckin’ years old!) Pam’s entire kill sequence features 98 percent of every image you remember loving from the first flick, and the franchise as a whole. 1) Walkin’ the empty grounds with her boyfriend? Check. 2) Amazing low angle shot running underneath the swing. Got it. 3) Finding the room full of bones and that damn cluckin’ chicken? It’s there. ) Discovering Gunner Hanson’s Leatherface, bolting out the door toward freedom, and when you think she is safe, he grabs her and pulls her back into the house as she flails her limbs wildly trying to grab on to anything and everything in her path to pull her toward said freedom? Nailed it. 5) The dreaded meat hook suspending her 8, nah, 10 feet in the air? Boom. 6) You think she’s done and gone, but when her spectacled buddy opens a freezer door and SHE POPS OUT CONVULSING!! Added bonus. Yep, Teri McMinn’s Pam laughs in the face of every character to follow the same water-based crayola finger paint tropes. Been there, done that. And while she did it, she sported the fourth best rack on our list. Fuck off, haters.
Strap in, folks…here come the top three. The best of the best. The REAL Heavy Hangers.
When people say remakes suck, often more times than not you’ll slap them in the face with, “Texas Chainsaw got it right.” But did it? Well yeah. And by the way EVERY FUCKING MOVIE YOU LOVE IS A REMAKE OF SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT! STOP HATING ON CINEMA! ENJOY YOURSELVES! IT IS A MOVIE! IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND ENTERTAINMENT ALONE! YOU SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD! A RETARDED ONE AT THAT!
Sorry… So The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was remade in ’03, and it rocks. Does it take ANYTHING away from the original by it’s mere existence? NO! STOP BITCHING ABOUT MICHAEL BAY RUINING YOUR CHILDHOOD! IF YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS WORTH A SHIT, CHANCES ARE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE NEEDED THE FUCKING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FUCKING TURTLES TO SURVIVE ON WHAT WAS SURELY A FUCKING LONELY FUCKING FRIENDLESS FUCKING SATURDAY FUCKING MORNING!
Apologies…I apparently have a rage issue. I’m working on it. SO BOOBS! Natures stress release, am I right? Jessica Biel comes in at number three on our list and it’s well deserved. Best butt of the franchise by far, but I digress…again…Ms. Biel plays Erin. Marijuana filled pinata aside, she likes to have fun and is looking to do so at a Lynard Skynyrd concert where she hopes they play Free Bird. Like they wouldn’t. At least I think that is the line. I’m going off memory. Anywho, Jessica Biel’s Erin has two things Marilyn Burns’ Sally didn’t. A fleshed out character that fights back between screams, and a film with a much higher budget, allowing the lead to explore many more spooky locations around the Sawyer homestead, and dismal town. If Teri McMinn was the foundation on which many tropes were built, Jessica Biel is the “rebooted” asphalt in which future TCM heroines are aloud to play hop scotch on weekdays after school. And I do mean school, son. Erin takes zero shit, lays waste to anyone in her way to freedom, and looks amazing in a wet white tank top while doing so. My only complaint with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre released in ’03 is they (spoiler alert, I guess) took off Leatherface’s arm in the final minutes of the third act, assuring that any other installment in the TCM franchise would be a prequel, or yet another reboot in the saga.
Speaking of prequels, let’s take a journey to the beginning, shall we…
Diora Baird is many things. Busty happens to be one of them. But let’s focus on some other stuff first. Indulge me, won’t you? Diora Baird’s Bailey is yet another token “along for the ride” gal in the sixth installment of the “should of been dead long ago” franchise. But let’s be honest with ourselves. We’re glad this franchise continues to find it’s way to multiplexes. Something I don’t know I’ve covered yet, but these films are a LOT of fun for an audience, preferably a packed house on opening night. When I was doing thorough “research” (Google Images) I noticed if you type Texas Chainsaw Massecre + Boobs into google and hit search you’re sure to see many photos of Ms. Baird (though mostly not from this movie) come flyin’ at your screen. A little hint for you weekend warriors out there. Actually…click here to see one of Diora’s most mammerable moments in the film.
So anyway, Bailey finds herself in a series of wrong place, wrong time situations in the film. TCM: The Beginning was my first exposure to the awesomeness of Diora Baird, and it shouldn’t go without saying that I became a fan. When she popped up in one of my all-time favorite episodes of “Psych” (Season 6 Episode 8 – The Tao of Gus, for the uninitiated) her flare for comedy made me realize that with the right material, this girl can do no wrong. Back to “The Beginning” though. Bailey is the prototypical “let’s have fun and live life fast and loose,” so obviously she is doomed from the start. But what Diora Baird achieves with the character is nothing short of a good time. Sure her existence in the film is to serve the story and it’s body count, but one of the reasons you tend to root for the gang of teens in these flicks is because you like them.
Though Ms. Baird is easy on the eyes and all that jazz, she’s a character that hasn’t really existed in the franchise to this point. She’s a secondary character that seems fit to outwit the B-Story antagonists. I wanted Bailey to escape the hands of Leatherface’s handlers to join up with Jordana Brewster on the A-Story. I found myself rooting for her in a way that I haven’t rooted for a would-be-victim since before I was old enough to figure out the slasher movie formula. Perhaps this would be a call back to Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III? Could two characters survive in this reboot? As the second act unfolds we find that not to be the case. One of the more exciting aspects of TCM: The Beginning is that not only are our hopes dashed that two screen heroines make it out alive, but in fact zero heroines make it out alive. A first for the series. Well played, fun prequel. Well played indeed.
Something I’ve noticed about the franchise as a whole is though there are great boobs, they are not really on display for the fans like, say the Friday the 13th franchise. Here is a screen grab to get you through the day. Week. Month. Eternity…
Are you ready for number one? I hope so!
JKJK, folks. C’mon, you really think I’d leave without further explanation? Alexandra Daddario is quickly becoming a household name. I wasn’t aware of her work until I finally checked out this flick last year. I can honestly tell you that watching this movie was far more enjoyable than the earnest outings of the remake and reboot. As a stand alone sequel to the original, I dig it. I am a very big fan of 2 and 3, but this entry in the franchise just feels right.
Now if you are one of those asshats that argues the film doesn’t make sense because Daddario’s character Heather should be 35 instead of 25, eat a bag of dicks. It’s a movie. Audiences were once able to enter a theater and suspend disbelief. Why has this changed? Let the character be 25. Give Trey Songz a chance to act. Tania Reymonde is fantastic as the beautiful and charming, although slutty BFF trying to bed Mr. Songz. (Might I add Ms. Reymonde is also fabulous in LOOK: the Series and the Wadzilla segment in Chillerama…both available on Amazon! *cough-cough* shameless plug…)
I’m a fan of this flick and all it has to offer the franchise and horror genre. It is fun! Through and through. My biggest complaint is that it has yet to spawn any sequels. I’d love to see Ms. Daddario return to the Texas Chainsaw realm. What would that story consist of? The possibilities are endless! *We’re about to get spoiler heavy, so if you haven’t seen it, you have been warned.* At the end of this flick we discover that Heather is now left in charge of her last living blood relative, Leatherface himself. This is a story that could pump fresh blood into a franchise that has been thrilling audiences for over 40 years. Does Heather let Leatherface out to do what he does best? Would she continue to keep him under lock and key? Is there an outside threat that leaves the duo no other choice than to band together to protect the homestead? I want this movie! I want it now! C’mon, Lionsgate!
As far as what makes this film unique, look no further than Daddario’s performance as a young woman that recently finds out she was adopted. A strong lead in a long line of many, she doesn’t really care for authority and what they have to offer. It’s crazy, but Daddario’s best assets in this film aren’t even the assets that land her at number one on the list. Well, they do. I mean…I’m trying to say even if her tits were tiny, she’d still be number one. Daddario plays a strong, independent, smart heroine that uses more than her looks to take down a corrupt town while simultaneously outrunning her kin. Sure she winds up tied up in the third reel, but most the gals in these films do.
Of course she could easily have been killed by Leatherface or the townsfolk while she was strung up, but she didn’t. Fate was on her side. Leatherface eventually comes to Heather’s rescue. Another first in a series of seven films. I’m a big fan of things I haven’t seen before when sequel numbers begin to climb. Texas Chainsaw 3D delivers a handful of plot points that I enjoyed. Also, if you’re a fan of Alexandra Daddario and have been living under a rock, check out Season One of True Detective. You’ll be glad you did…
So there it is, folks. The best Heavy Hangers of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre series. Agree? Disagree? Feel free to interact with us on Facebook, Twitter, leave a comment below, or email us AcidPopCult@gmail.com. Just remember that this list is of my own design. I feel it is important to honor not just the boobs, but also the actresses that appear in these films for our enjoyment. This is nothing more than a fun way of expressing our enthusiasm for a fun franchise and it’s fans.
-Jeremy L. Morrison
We like to keep it eclectic on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast and this week’s show is no exception! Jeremy and Jason are once again up to the challenge of keeping you entertained in your Godforsaken cubicle hell. The duo start the show off with a recap of Jason’s latest interviews over at Icon Vs. Icon, which range from Nick Hexum of 311 to Lance Henriksen to comedian Rod Man. Jeremy offers a brief update on his recent get together with directors Adam Rifkin and Tim Sullivan and the excitement that ensued. Then the duo turn their sights on the latest in technology with a look at the new horror movie streaming service, SHUDDER. Talk turns to quality Blu-ray transfers, a painting from Goodfellas, Jason’s time with the late Henry Hill and Scream: The TV Series. To cap off the episode, you get the big reveal on the upcoming “Summer Care Package” contest! It’s all that and a bag of chips, it the whole damn party mix! Give it a listen and spread the word!