This week the boys discuss the annoying traits of internet zines and their hypocritical staff writers. We catch up with all the latest going on over at Icon Vs. Icon. Hank introduces J-Mo to the wild and crazy time that is Rob Zombie’s new compact disc. And Lastly, J-Mo shares the latest on his 366 Challenge. Rate! Review! Share!
The boys are back and they’re not alone! This week J-Mo and Jason are joined by the fantastic Hank Price. But first, Jason catches us up to date with the goings on over at Icon Vs. Icon and a recent chance to chat with the always wonderful Eliza Dushku. J-Mo also shares his latest ‘366 Movie Challenge’ and how he has been prepping for the most anticipated film of 2016, Zack Snyder’s ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’, As always don’t forget to rate, review, and share.
Another Halloween has come and gone, leaving you with a wicked case of the bloody booze blues, no doubt. But fear not, sweet reader, as November 1st 2015 marks a milestone in one of horror’s most beloved franchises. “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge” turns 30 years old! I personally achieved this milestone back in August and can assure you that the best way to make a 30 year old feel special: Overtly Sexualize Them. But how do you make it special? You never want to regift something on someone’s big day. Having ranked the boobs of both “Friday the 13th” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” series, I figured it was time to switch it up by giving some love to the men of a franchise for once. So dive right in and see if your favorite hunk hottie made the list.
9. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare – Breckin Meyer – Spencer
I would be clueless not to include Breckin Meyer, folks. As the sweet stoner Spencer, Breckin shows us why smokin’ out on Elm Street is a horrible idea. I’m not sure if Spencer’s death is meant as a cautionary tale of what too much drugs and video games will do to you, but if you’re rockin’ a sweet ass Power Glove, why wouldn’t you want to lay about and spark a bowl?! Spencer is the typical late eighties, early nineties surfer burnout-type, which I’m sure were a dime a dozen in Springwood, OH., but Breckin rocks a million dollar smile and that is enough to get this list started.
8. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child – Michael Bailey Smith – Super Freddy
I can hear your confusion at my choice for number eight. To me it makes perfect sense. Super Freddy had the body of a Jason Voorhees, while rocking the attitude of our favorite wise crackin’ child molester. And that to me is a winning combo. Also, I believe that during the opening credits, when Dan is draining his seed into Alice’s guts leading to teen pregnancy, and the entire movie, Michael Bailey Smith is actually body doubling as Dan. So that helped in securing Michael on my list.
7. Freddy Vs Jason – Jason Ritter – Will Rollins
God I hate this movie. Which is the worst, because it has three things I love: Jason, Freddy, and Monica Keena’s boobs. But my hate has nothing to do with Jason Ritter’s performance. He’s got those sweet puppy dog eyes that scream “I’m trapped in a terrible situation,” and you just want to throw the guy a lifeline. Ritter and Keena’s boobs are about the only thing worth a damn in this terrible sequel. Disagree with me all you’d like, but remember one thing, typical horror nerd, both franchises were followed by remakes. Remakes, you know, those things you people hate? You can thank Freddy Vs. Jason.
It should be noted that my wife, Producer Danielle, is beyond troubled by the fact that Mr. Ritter ranks in at number seven. She feels he is a solid number three and a beautiful man.
6. New Nightmare – Wes Craven – Wes Craven
Power. Success. Creative as a motherfucker. These are all traits possessed by our hunk at number six. Wes Craven played himself in “New Nightmare.” So I guess I think Wes Craven is a hunk IRL, as the kids snapchat. I guess I do. I’ve idolized Wes Craven since the age of 4. He’s everything I wanted to grow up to be. I’d totally #MCM him.
5. A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake) – Clancy Brown – Alan Smith
There can be only one number five choice, and it is a no brainer for me. I love me some Clancy Brown. While either voicing a crab on a popular children’s cartoon, or beating the sweet sunny Jesus out of an inmate that doesn’t shut his trap, Clancy Brown is a tour de force. One could argue that he’s not the hunkiest of the remake cast, but my list, my rules. Clancy Brown plays Alan, the father of walking guyliner puppet Quentin. Now in the remake, Alan is the ringleader amongst the parents that decide Krueger should be stopped by any means necessary. Clancy Brown creates Freddy in the new universe, and I am okay with that. Hell, Clancy Brown could be responsible for my own demise and I would accept it with open arms so long as Clancy was there to narrate my passing. I mean, it would totally suck to be dead, but hopefully Clancy could bury me in a Pet Sematary 2.
4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors – Laurence Fishburne – Max
Laurence Fishburne is a force of nature. Think about it for a second. Has he ever done a bad flick? I can’t think of one off the top of my head. I’m pretty sure I’m probably wrong, but he can do no wrong in my eyes. Landing at number four is pretty solid in my opinion. Max is a pretty awesome character. One of the few authority figures in the series that seems to want to help these kids. You can see it takes a toll on him when they begin to fall victim to their dreams. Laurence plays Max perfectly. Strict and tough, yet caring and compassionate. I like the cut of his jib. And hats off to Laurence for making it through the film in one piece. men and women of color are not often thought of as survivors in genre pictures.
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master – Andras Jones – Rick
Rick and his little meatball fall in at number three. Alice’s brother is played by Andras Jones, Calvin in “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” from 1988. Whether kicking the air’s ass in his garage dojo, or wearing dick friendly sweats in gym class, Rick does it while looking dope. 80s fashion has never looked better. To this day I cannot listen to Dramarama without thinking of Rick’s nun-chuckin’ skills. Also, how hot do you have to be to hook up with Tuesday Knight? Way hot, dudes with uber confidence. The kind of confidence that once absorbed by your sister she is finally able to kick the souls right out of Freddy’s chest cavity.
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street – Johnny Depp – Glen Lantz
I’m sure it is no shocker that Johnny Depp is on a list ranking the hottest hunks on Elm Street. However I assume most everyone with a working brain probably had him pegged as a lock at number one. I’m so edgy. Johnny Depp’s crop top and barely legal babyface made their debut in Wes Craven’s classic film from 1984. And it is all thanks to Wes’ daughter Jessica, whom insisted her father cast the young stud in-lieu of the standard proto-jock the then struggling filmmaker envisioned for the role. Needless to say it was the first of many kickass projects Depp would go on to star in.
Johnny Depp’s character Glen is the shy, handsome boyfriend to Nancy Thompson, the object of Fred Krueger’s torment. Glen spends the majority of his time in denial, but leaves the film with one of the most memorable deaths in franchise history. The thing that I find most disturbing in horror films is when a dying character breaks the laws of cinema standard and becomes a living, breathing member of the real world. Glen, along with Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter’s Rob, have the most polarizing death scenes of each franchise because the actors are able to tap into a primal fear as they howl in agony. Rob’s “he’s killing me,” is powerful, but Glen’s innocent cries for his mother move the scene from horrifying into depths of misery, dread, and sheer heartbreak.
1. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge – Marshall Bell – Coach Schneider
Coach Schneider is a sadistic, leather clad piece of shit, and that is the kind of hidden kink that is sure to stike a cord with all my leather sluts out there. Marshall Bell is one helluvan actor. I hate him so much in so many roles. Which means one thing, folks. He’s fantastic at what he does. In Freddy’s Revenge, Mr. Bell is the thorn in Jesse and Grady’s taint.
Ever ogling the “dirtballs” doing push-ups or eavesdropping on the duo as they change after gym class, Coach Schneider “gets his rocks off” down at the local watering hole where the bears and twinks traverse after hours. One night Coach catches Jesse out for a nightcap. In attempt to teach the young man a lesson, Coach Schneider brings Jesse back to the school to run laps. Marshall Bell plays the scene with so much creepy joy. I love it.
Unfortunately for Coach Schneider, they aren’t alone. Maybe.
Marshall Bell also broke ground in this classic that turns 30 years old today as the first and only time you see a grown man’s ass. That, my friends, is a total hunk move.
*Editor’s Note: You see Mark Patton’s butt when Grady tackles him in the infield.
There you have it! My Hottest Hunks on Elm Street. Hopefully you’ve had as much fun reading as I have had writing. Unlike the previous boob-centric posts, I’ve never spent time sitting around my room asking myself who the hot dudes in the Elm Street franchise are. It was a challenge I thought should be tackled.
Special thanks to Jason Price of ICON VS. ICON for the nudge in the right direction, Thomas Bryce of SHIT MOVIE FEST for his eagerness to read, and Producer Danielle for acting as a sounding board for the hairless little fourteen year old inside of me.
–Jeremy L. Morrison
The hottest months of the year are upon us and that means two things: girls with sweaty boobs, and guys ooglin’ girls with sweaty boobs. So, dear reader, I’ve decided it is time to talk about the sweatiest of sweat filled sweat flicks, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise. Can you believe there are seven, yes, seven, films total in the franchise? Since the release of the remake and it’s prequel, I’ve always accidentally dismissed the third and fourth entries. Which is a shame, because “Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III” is probably the most fun post Hooper. “The Next Generation” gets a bad rap, but offers up some fun bits. And the last 15 minutes of that flick are pure anarchy. Overall “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise holds up and entertains to this day.
But we’re not here to talk about the films and what they’ve offered up entertainment wise. A few months back I finally put word-to-page an idea I had toyed with for many years. Ranking the best boobs of the Friday the 13th series. On the show Jason asked how I could top myself. Well, you can’t. It’s simply not possible. The Friday the 13th franchise has the best boob to film ratio out there. But I love a challenge and we decided that before my super secret “Best Of” project coming this November, I should try tackling another list in the dog days of Summer. Now I do want to put on front street that my initial idea was the best butts of the Texas Chainsaw series. Mainly because Jessica Biel has the best dumper in Hollywood. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” as a whole has the best butts of any franchise. You can quote me on that. And it’ll be easy to because I’ve put it in writing. But I digress…
The rules are the same as before, folks. I can only choose one pair of boobs per movie to fall on this best of seven list. Pretty easy when you think about it, actually, as part 2 only has one female character. And 3 has two. but it is where they fall on the list that may have some readers shaking their heads and sending in hate mail. Before we get started I want to preface this list the same way I did last time. I do not hate women. I am not a sexist monster. In fact I love women and love boobs almost as much as I love my own children. Also, this is done in fun. So fuck off if you don’t get the joke. If you’re offended by this list, just wait, there will be another one in 17.8 seconds that will offend you much more. This is the internet after all.
HERE WE GO!
Nothing against Kate Hodge, but someone had to bat first. Much like the actual sport of baseball, I’m hoping her leadoff spot earns a double and starts us down a 9th inning comeback that would make this year’s Cubs team proud. Kate Hodge is one of two young girls on the run in this flick, and also the first in the franchise to not go batshit crazy pre-credits. Actually (spoilers for a movie 20+ years old) she and Ken Foree ride off into the sunrise after delivering a great one-liner that would make Dirty Harry shift excitedly in his pants. Kate’s Michelle character is on the verge of a break up with her lame boyfriend played by William Butler. I only say this because I wanted to point out that Bill Butler, though great as always, plays a character that sucks by nature, thus making Kate seem that more awesome. Plus Bill Butler is the first Scream King.
With a single to left field, Tonie Perensky lands on our list at number six. Like Kate Hodge, Ms. Perensky has shown up nude in other flicks, but left the heavy lifting to a nude body double in this film starring Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger (gotta boost those google keyword searches) from 1994. Tonie Perensky’s Darla has the fortune of being our only villain on the list. Pretty sweet if you’re into that kinda factoid. Darla is the character that everyone knows from the previous flicks. The nice yet creepy character that eventually leads the lambs to the slaughter. Is it too late to alert you to a spoiler 21 years in the making? Apologies.
Here we go. Our first home run on the list. Are we keeping score at home? Stretch is everything you want in a character and then some added sprinkles on the top for good measure. Our lone female in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II,” Caroline Williams has killer taste in music, a bitchin’ job that allows her to play killer jams and interview chili cook-off winners, and even wins the heart of our masked man-child, ol’ Leatherface. Caroline Williams set a high standard for what hardcore and casual fans alike would come to expect, yet never see again in the franchise. A woman playing a character that looks like she was really having a lot of fun while on set. Aside from chainsaw kills and Bill Mosely, Stretch is everything we want from a Texas Chainsaw flick. Hooper did something magical with this sequel…he made a polar opposite film from the one he had made over a decade prior. Shit. I’m starting to review the movie. Sorry. Back to boobs…
The standard! A grandslam with no one on base is impossible in baseball, but Teri McMinn manages the feat at number four on our list. Again, if this were a butt post, Marilyn Burns would be the winner, and she would be higher up on the list. Maybe. And though Marilyn Burns’ braless pokies are a staple of the frachise, Teri McMinn’s iconic image hangin’ on a meat hook in a clevagetastic top is what this franchise, from a marketing standpoint, in my humble opinion and my opinion alone, was built on.
McMinn stars as Pam, the down to earth hippy chick that is “along for the ride” in the classic roller coaster of emotions that started it all. Pam’s got two things on her mind, finding a spot to fuck her boyfriend, preferably by water, and avoiding Franklin and his annoying squealing. The second to die (seriously, I’m not spoiling a movie over 40 fuckin’ years old!) Pam’s entire kill sequence features 98 percent of every image you remember loving from the first flick, and the franchise as a whole. 1) Walkin’ the empty grounds with her boyfriend? Check. 2) Amazing low angle shot running underneath the swing. Got it. 3) Finding the room full of bones and that damn cluckin’ chicken? It’s there. ) Discovering Gunner Hanson’s Leatherface, bolting out the door toward freedom, and when you think she is safe, he grabs her and pulls her back into the house as she flails her limbs wildly trying to grab on to anything and everything in her path to pull her toward said freedom? Nailed it. 5) The dreaded meat hook suspending her 8, nah, 10 feet in the air? Boom. 6) You think she’s done and gone, but when her spectacled buddy opens a freezer door and SHE POPS OUT CONVULSING!! Added bonus. Yep, Teri McMinn’s Pam laughs in the face of every character to follow the same water-based crayola finger paint tropes. Been there, done that. And while she did it, she sported the fourth best rack on our list. Fuck off, haters.
Strap in, folks…here come the top three. The best of the best. The REAL Heavy Hangers.
When people say remakes suck, often more times than not you’ll slap them in the face with, “Texas Chainsaw got it right.” But did it? Well yeah. And by the way EVERY FUCKING MOVIE YOU LOVE IS A REMAKE OF SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT! STOP HATING ON CINEMA! ENJOY YOURSELVES! IT IS A MOVIE! IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND ENTERTAINMENT ALONE! YOU SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD! A RETARDED ONE AT THAT!
Sorry… So The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was remade in ’03, and it rocks. Does it take ANYTHING away from the original by it’s mere existence? NO! STOP BITCHING ABOUT MICHAEL BAY RUINING YOUR CHILDHOOD! IF YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS WORTH A SHIT, CHANCES ARE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE NEEDED THE FUCKING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FUCKING TURTLES TO SURVIVE ON WHAT WAS SURELY A FUCKING LONELY FUCKING FRIENDLESS FUCKING SATURDAY FUCKING MORNING!
Apologies…I apparently have a rage issue. I’m working on it. SO BOOBS! Natures stress release, am I right? Jessica Biel comes in at number three on our list and it’s well deserved. Best butt of the franchise by far, but I digress…again…Ms. Biel plays Erin. Marijuana filled pinata aside, she likes to have fun and is looking to do so at a Lynard Skynyrd concert where she hopes they play Free Bird. Like they wouldn’t. At least I think that is the line. I’m going off memory. Anywho, Jessica Biel’s Erin has two things Marilyn Burns’ Sally didn’t. A fleshed out character that fights back between screams, and a film with a much higher budget, allowing the lead to explore many more spooky locations around the Sawyer homestead, and dismal town. If Teri McMinn was the foundation on which many tropes were built, Jessica Biel is the “rebooted” asphalt in which future TCM heroines are aloud to play hop scotch on weekdays after school. And I do mean school, son. Erin takes zero shit, lays waste to anyone in her way to freedom, and looks amazing in a wet white tank top while doing so. My only complaint with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre released in ’03 is they (spoiler alert, I guess) took off Leatherface’s arm in the final minutes of the third act, assuring that any other installment in the TCM franchise would be a prequel, or yet another reboot in the saga.
Speaking of prequels, let’s take a journey to the beginning, shall we…
Diora Baird is many things. Busty happens to be one of them. But let’s focus on some other stuff first. Indulge me, won’t you? Diora Baird’s Bailey is yet another token “along for the ride” gal in the sixth installment of the “should of been dead long ago” franchise. But let’s be honest with ourselves. We’re glad this franchise continues to find it’s way to multiplexes. Something I don’t know I’ve covered yet, but these films are a LOT of fun for an audience, preferably a packed house on opening night. When I was doing thorough “research” (Google Images) I noticed if you type Texas Chainsaw Massecre + Boobs into google and hit search you’re sure to see many photos of Ms. Baird (though mostly not from this movie) come flyin’ at your screen. A little hint for you weekend warriors out there. Actually…click here to see one of Diora’s most mammerable moments in the film.
So anyway, Bailey finds herself in a series of wrong place, wrong time situations in the film. TCM: The Beginning was my first exposure to the awesomeness of Diora Baird, and it shouldn’t go without saying that I became a fan. When she popped up in one of my all-time favorite episodes of “Psych” (Season 6 Episode 8 – The Tao of Gus, for the uninitiated) her flare for comedy made me realize that with the right material, this girl can do no wrong. Back to “The Beginning” though. Bailey is the prototypical “let’s have fun and live life fast and loose,” so obviously she is doomed from the start. But what Diora Baird achieves with the character is nothing short of a good time. Sure her existence in the film is to serve the story and it’s body count, but one of the reasons you tend to root for the gang of teens in these flicks is because you like them.
Though Ms. Baird is easy on the eyes and all that jazz, she’s a character that hasn’t really existed in the franchise to this point. She’s a secondary character that seems fit to outwit the B-Story antagonists. I wanted Bailey to escape the hands of Leatherface’s handlers to join up with Jordana Brewster on the A-Story. I found myself rooting for her in a way that I haven’t rooted for a would-be-victim since before I was old enough to figure out the slasher movie formula. Perhaps this would be a call back to Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III? Could two characters survive in this reboot? As the second act unfolds we find that not to be the case. One of the more exciting aspects of TCM: The Beginning is that not only are our hopes dashed that two screen heroines make it out alive, but in fact zero heroines make it out alive. A first for the series. Well played, fun prequel. Well played indeed.
Something I’ve noticed about the franchise as a whole is though there are great boobs, they are not really on display for the fans like, say the Friday the 13th franchise. Here is a screen grab to get you through the day. Week. Month. Eternity…
Are you ready for number one? I hope so!
JKJK, folks. C’mon, you really think I’d leave without further explanation? Alexandra Daddario is quickly becoming a household name. I wasn’t aware of her work until I finally checked out this flick last year. I can honestly tell you that watching this movie was far more enjoyable than the earnest outings of the remake and reboot. As a stand alone sequel to the original, I dig it. I am a very big fan of 2 and 3, but this entry in the franchise just feels right.
Now if you are one of those asshats that argues the film doesn’t make sense because Daddario’s character Heather should be 35 instead of 25, eat a bag of dicks. It’s a movie. Audiences were once able to enter a theater and suspend disbelief. Why has this changed? Let the character be 25. Give Trey Songz a chance to act. Tania Reymonde is fantastic as the beautiful and charming, although slutty BFF trying to bed Mr. Songz. (Might I add Ms. Reymonde is also fabulous in LOOK: the Series and the Wadzilla segment in Chillerama…both available on Amazon! *cough-cough* shameless plug…)
I’m a fan of this flick and all it has to offer the franchise and horror genre. It is fun! Through and through. My biggest complaint is that it has yet to spawn any sequels. I’d love to see Ms. Daddario return to the Texas Chainsaw realm. What would that story consist of? The possibilities are endless! *We’re about to get spoiler heavy, so if you haven’t seen it, you have been warned.* At the end of this flick we discover that Heather is now left in charge of her last living blood relative, Leatherface himself. This is a story that could pump fresh blood into a franchise that has been thrilling audiences for over 40 years. Does Heather let Leatherface out to do what he does best? Would she continue to keep him under lock and key? Is there an outside threat that leaves the duo no other choice than to band together to protect the homestead? I want this movie! I want it now! C’mon, Lionsgate!
As far as what makes this film unique, look no further than Daddario’s performance as a young woman that recently finds out she was adopted. A strong lead in a long line of many, she doesn’t really care for authority and what they have to offer. It’s crazy, but Daddario’s best assets in this film aren’t even the assets that land her at number one on the list. Well, they do. I mean…I’m trying to say even if her tits were tiny, she’d still be number one. Daddario plays a strong, independent, smart heroine that uses more than her looks to take down a corrupt town while simultaneously outrunning her kin. Sure she winds up tied up in the third reel, but most the gals in these films do.
Of course she could easily have been killed by Leatherface or the townsfolk while she was strung up, but she didn’t. Fate was on her side. Leatherface eventually comes to Heather’s rescue. Another first in a series of seven films. I’m a big fan of things I haven’t seen before when sequel numbers begin to climb. Texas Chainsaw 3D delivers a handful of plot points that I enjoyed. Also, if you’re a fan of Alexandra Daddario and have been living under a rock, check out Season One of True Detective. You’ll be glad you did…
So there it is, folks. The best Heavy Hangers of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre series. Agree? Disagree? Feel free to interact with us on Facebook, Twitter, leave a comment below, or email us AcidPopCult@gmail.com. Just remember that this list is of my own design. I feel it is important to honor not just the boobs, but also the actresses that appear in these films for our enjoyment. This is nothing more than a fun way of expressing our enthusiasm for a fun franchise and it’s fans.
-Jeremy L. Morrison
We like to keep it eclectic on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast and this week’s show is no exception! Jeremy and Jason are once again up to the challenge of keeping you entertained in your Godforsaken cubicle hell. The duo start the show off with a recap of Jason’s latest interviews over at Icon Vs. Icon, which range from Nick Hexum of 311 to Lance Henriksen to comedian Rod Man. Jeremy offers a brief update on his recent get together with directors Adam Rifkin and Tim Sullivan and the excitement that ensued. Then the duo turn their sights on the latest in technology with a look at the new horror movie streaming service, SHUDDER. Talk turns to quality Blu-ray transfers, a painting from Goodfellas, Jason’s time with the late Henry Hill and Scream: The TV Series. To cap off the episode, you get the big reveal on the upcoming “Summer Care Package” contest! It’s all that and a bag of chips, it the whole damn party mix! Give it a listen and spread the word!
This week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jason recounts his holiday weekend travels and brings us a new Pick of The Week with ‘Phantasm Exhumed: The Red Planet Edition.’ Jeremy gives us the scoop on the ‘Insidious VR’ app and discusses his affinity for Kate Davis’ rack (keep your mind out of the gutter!) and her amazing new Clarence Boddicker themed ‘Bitches Leave!’ t-shirt! This episode is all that and a bag of chips, in fact, it’s a whole damn party mix! And on our next episode we have a special interview with Lin Shaye! Stay Tuned!
This week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jeremy and Jason weigh in on two if this month’s biggest TV releases, Comedy Central’s Roast of Justin Bieber and HBO’s Scientology documentary, ‘Going Clear.’ Jeremy also gives us a rundown on his recent bout of wild dreams and his new passion project for the horror genre, while Jason recounts his latest interview with rock/actor Michael Des Barres. If that’s not enough, We’ll see you next Tuesday (K)night
This week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jason and Jeremy celebrate horror’s most important holiday; Friday The 13th. Jeremy takes on a look back at the beloved franchise and counts down his favorite kills by Jason Voorhees. Be sure you give us a listen as we are offering up all the details on how to win an exclusive ‘ Friday The 13th: Jason Lives’ screen print by artist Chris Garofalo at Quiltface Studios! Jason discusses his recent interviews with Dan Hawkins of The Darkness and former pornstar turned DJ/Producer Lupe Fuentes. If that’s not enough, We’ll see you next Tuesday (K)night!
When I think of the Friday the 13th series, three things come to mind: Camp Counselors (which only appear in the first, second, and sixth installments), inventive kills, and boobs. Oh boobies, how you’re a cornerstone of the Friday franchise. Many breasts have appeared in the series over the years. While some stay hidden behind a nice cotton top or slinky bikini, others are allowed to come out of hiding to share in the scares. Men, women, and children of all ages know that the infamous hockey masked slasher is synonymous with stiff nippled cups of all shapes and sizes.
Now before I continue let me say that I love all boobs. Boobs are fantastic. From natures true intentions for the breast, up to rapidly google searching the perfect pair whilst in the bathroom to aid in a quick release, boobs are the most wonderful things ever created. I hold no prejudice toward any class of mammaries. I first came up with the idea for this list four years ago, but I found it insanely difficult to accomplish. How can you pass judgement when they are all so great? Who do I think I am? I swear I am not a misogynist. I am not sexist. Before you email me or the show, just remember this: I LOVE BOOBS.
So four years later I think I’ve figured out how to pull this off, no pun intended, to where I could forge this list and not catch any flack. I’ve decided to narrow it down to the top 12 pairs with one catch. I can only choose one pair per flick. Hypothetically if someone was in a pinch, they could gaze upon this list and make an educated guess on where to go in the series to unload some stress. Now, again, I love and respect all breasts in this series, and life in general. And this is very much based on my own personal taste. So feel free to share your own list with us over at the Facebook page, or by emailing the show at AcidPopCult@gmail.com.
LET’S DO THIS!
Number 12: From Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan – Saffron Henderson – “J.J. Jarrett”
“What are you talking about, J-Mo? J.J. doesn’t even get nekkid!” RIGHT?!! Get used to it, gentle reader. Like I said, I hold no prejudice to the boobs. And I never said the boobs had to make a special guest appearance in the flick. Saffron Henderson plays metal-head J.J., a guitar virtuoso that is looking for bitchin’ spots aboard the ship to film her music video. What J.J. lacks in common sense while traversing the bowels of the boat, she makes up for in sexy pleather and a hot pink top. A character that feels like a cross between Lita Ford and Joan Jett, J.J. sports one of the most metal deaths in the entire series when she gets her brains bashed in by her own Flying-V axe. Horns up for J.J. at number 12.
Number 11: From Freddy vs. Jason – Monica Keena – “Lori Campbell”
Freddy vs. Jason is one of those flicks that I ate up when it first hit the theaters. But upon it’s home video release it fell out of favor with me. I could write a whole essay on why I think Freddy vs. Jason is the worst film in both franchises, hell, the history of cinema even, but I won’t. We’re celebrating something here. That something is Monica Keena’s wonderful assets. There are two things I find interesting about Monica Keena’s performance as Lori in Freddy vs. Jason and that is why she lands at number 11 on our list.
Number 10: From Jason X – Kristi Angus – “Adrienne”
Kristi Angus sports one of the cooler half sweaters while also managing to find herself on the wrong end of arguable one of the coolest kills in franchise history. Her apperance is brief, but it will stay with you for a long time. If I was tech savvy, I’d use the popular gif of her death for her image. How Kane Hodder had the ability to expose just enough of Adrienne’s underboob while manhandling her to the sink full of cryo freeze just in time to dip her face in before smashing it against the counter-top and tossing her hollowed husk of a head to the side, is beyond me. Holy run-on-sentence, Mrs. Voorhees! It works. Moving on.
Number 9: From Friday the 13th – Jeannine Taylor – “Marcie Cunningham”
At number 9 a franchise and genre wide standard was set by little Marcie Cunningham. Every Friday the 13th to follow would have a girl travel the camp grounds at some point; shoe-less, in her panties, and wearing a shirt while asking “Is that you…”. After filling up on Kevin’s bacon, Marcie heads over to the camp bathroom to quote classic Hollywood lines in a mirror, read cute jokes on the wall, and show us why you should never check the showers for would-be-prankster friends. And as the photographic evidence above shows, Jeannine Taylor is a candidate for Best Butt, too.
Number 8: From Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday – Michelle Clunie – “Deborah”
This is why you should always force him to wrap it up, ladies. Deborah and her boyfriend Luke, along with third-wheel Alexis, think it is finally safe to camp at Camp Crystal Lake. After a quick dip in the frigid water, Deborah and Luke decide to take the franchise down a road it had yet to see: borderline hardcore porn. The 90’s taught us a lot. Among many lessons was that the MPAA would not tolerate heavy thrusting followed by a iron rod to the torso. Especially if that rod then split the torso in two, revealing a crimson geyser that splashes across a man’s face, neck and chest. I didn’t know much about sex until the summer of ’94. At nine years old I quickly discovered the difference between making love and fucking. Though pretty and sweet, making love was alright. Fucking, however, would make boobies bounce around frantically. Boobs? great. Bouncing boobs? Is there anything more awesome on a human body? Not if you’re this writer.
Number 7: From Friday the 13th part III 3-D – Tracie Savage – “Debbie”
Number 7 is definitely not sponsored by the Medical Association of America. Tracie Savage portrays Debbie, a pot smoking, beer drinking, unprotected sex having, cool chick. Oh yeah, she’s pregnant too! Yes, soon-to-be-mommy Debbie (Did YOU add the fetus to Jason’s kill totals?!?) is trying to help her friend over come her fear of an encounter by a creepy dude that probably raped her and just happens to be Jason a year prior to the events of this flick and Part II (as Part II leads directly into Part III, but is five years after the events of Part I. Confused? Good, me too!) So Debbie, her highschool boyfriend, a few other weirdos, and two old as fuck hippies head out to the lake. Debbie doesn’t spend much time helping her friend, however, as she and her boyfriend want to make sure they get a head-start on practicing on that second kid as soon as possible. After some sexy time, Debbie treats us to a glance of her handfuls-of-goodness during a steamy shower. The first of many showers to be had in the franchise.
Number 6: From Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives – Jennifer Cooke – “Megan”
Remember, wherever the red dot goes, ya bang. Jennifer Cooke’s Megan is hands down one of the coolest female leads to have graced the franchise with her presence. Is anyone else dying to know what exactly is going on underneath that cute little cropped sweater? Megan is also in possession of one of the tightest pair of jeans in the history of western civilization, as proven by a fan favorite Tommy Jarvis POV during that epic chase scene. Jennifer Cooke is a treasure to the franchise. I honestly feel super bad I couldn’t justify her being higher on the list. I don’t even mind that she keeps her clothes securely around her body during the film. Sometimes, like the horror movie death scenes, it’s what you don’t see that is the best part. So at number 6, from number 6, and released in ’86, Jennifer Cooke, we here at APC salute you. #swoon
Number 5: From Friday the 13th Part II – Marta Kober – “Sandra”
This spot almost went to Friday the 13th Part II star Amy Steel, but I made a one pair per film rule, and at the end of the day I am a sucker for a short brunette with big naturals. For proof just look to Producer Danielle. Sandra and Jeff are a mischievous pair of camp counselors. When they’re not getting brought in by the local sheriff, they’re off making love before becoming a human shish kabob. Sandra, like the bible’s very own Eve, is the mastermind behind most of their adventures. Sandra and Jeff are the franchise’s prototype couple. Sandra’s bikini top secures her spot at number 5 on this ridiculous list.
Number 4: From Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter – Judie Aronson – “Samantha”
The science isn’t very weird as to why Judie Aronson is a solid top five pick. At number 4 Aronson’s portrayal of Samantha is everything we’ve come to know and love about the franchises ladies that find them selves at the wrong place at the wrong time. Corey Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis had a front row seat when Samantha finds herself in front of a window as she stripped down to her birthday suit. Unfortunately just as the action started to heat up, Tommy’s mom has to kill the mood completely by pulling down the shade. Fortunately for us, Sam and her friends decide it best to strip and dip at the lake the next day. Still not convinced? Moments after losing her boyfriend to one half of the double mint twins, Sam takes a stroll to the lake to cool off. She doubles our pleasure when she strips down to nothing and swims out to a raft, moments before Jason gives her the ultimate Oh Shit face.
Number 3: From Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood – Elizabeth Kaitan – “Robin”
If you’re a fan of b-movies from the 80s-90s, then you’re sure to know this face and chest. Elizabeth Kaitan skyrocketed to success in genre picture after genre picture. I’m a tad bias because I am a huge fan of hers from the Vice Academy series, but she earns her stripes in the Friday franchise after bedding the lovable stoner and then teasing us viewers with glimpses here an there of those sweet naturals. Robin follows in the footsteps of the original films Marcie when she meets her demise post coitus as she searches for her boyfriend while barefoot and wearing a shirt. I always felt her death was a tad weak sauce, as I have never been a fan of when Jason simple throws a beautiful girl from a window. But, if memory serves correctly, Robin had a much better death designed, but the filmmakers had to scrap it when they ran low on time. People claim that Part VII is their favorite because of the FX and it being Kane Hodder’s first trip to Crystal Lake, but I wonder if they’re just too embarrassed to admit it’s because of Ms. Kaitan’s sweet naturals.
Number 2: Friday the 13th (2009) – Julianna Guill – “Bree”
Julianna Guill comes in at number 2 on our list and for good measure. When it was announced that Friday the 13th was being remade by Platinum Dunes, fans across the world took a collective gasp. Then when a producer said in an interview that they were embracing everything that fans loved about the series including sexual charged young adults, everyone exhaled and thought what I thought: “It’s impossible to fuck up a Friday the 13th movie.” I’m happy to admit that I was right. You really can’t screw up a Friday the 13th movie. The formula is so simple. Drugs, hot guys and girls, sex, copious amounts of blood, a hockey masked killer (or bag headed), inventive kills. Now add in the adorable Julianna Guill as nympho Bree and you have a closet fan favorite. I love this film. Derek Mears owns as Jason. Bree and Trent have the greatest sex scene of the franchise putting Jason Goes to Hell’s tent sex to shame. Trent even utters the line that everyone is thinking when he tells Bree that her tits are stupendous. He later goes on to compliment her nipple placement. Her nipple placement! I’m telling you, you can’t fuck up a Friday the 13th film. Unless you’re Ronny Yu.
Number 1: From Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning – Deborah “Debisue” Voorhees – “Tina”
The number one best breasts belong to an actress that happens to share the surname of the masked maniac, and if you’ve never had a chance to peep out these heavy hangers, you’re missing out. Friday the 13th gets a wicked bad rap. And in a movie that could have claimed eight of the 12 spots on this list, it’s a no brainer that Deborah will take top honors every time. Deborah’s Tina also walks away with one of the more vicious kills of the whole entire series, in my so very humble opinion. Tina and her lunatic boy-toy Eddie fuck like rabbits, but most all of it is just eluded to during other characters’ dialogue. But when director Danny Steinmann finally lets us take a peek at one of Tina and Eddie’s romps in the woods, he keeps us there until we can’t see straight. Get it? Because both die in eye related deaths. Genius. I digress. Debisue Voorhees will forever be remembered as the best of the best when it comes to slasher flick nudes. Her boobs are simply the best.
So that’s it folks. Four years of taunting the audience, I finally pulled the trigger. Hopefully you readers know that this is meant in fun. No disrespect was intended toward any of the actresses left off of, or appearing on the list. Nudity is only one of many reasons to check out the Friday the 13th flicks. Friday the 13th, to me, has always meant a fun time with friends, or even alone. An escape from the day-to-day horrors of the real world to watch an indestructible killer stalk and murder groups of characters that we the audience see ourselves in. I mainly wanted to compile this list because there aren’t very many lists like it outside of maybe a Mr. Skin countdown. I’m too lazy to fact check that claim. The sex and nudity play a key role in the history and success of these films. Boobs, like the inventive kill scenarios and gallons of blood, should be celebrated. Hooray for titties, folks. Until next time, we’ll see you next Tuesday (K)night!
–Jeremy L. Morrison
Jeremy and Jason are back after four months of self reflection. Enjoy!