The hottest months of the year are upon us and that means two things: girls with sweaty boobs, and guys ooglin’ girls with sweaty boobs. So, dear reader, I’ve decided it is time to talk about the sweatiest of sweat filled sweat flicks, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise. Can you believe there are seven, yes, seven, films total in the franchise? Since the release of the remake and it’s prequel, I’ve always accidentally dismissed the third and fourth entries. Which is a shame, because “Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III” is probably the most fun post Hooper. “The Next Generation” gets a bad rap, but offers up some fun bits. And the last 15 minutes of that flick are pure anarchy. Overall “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” franchise holds up and entertains to this day.
But we’re not here to talk about the films and what they’ve offered up entertainment wise. A few months back I finally put word-to-page an idea I had toyed with for many years. Ranking the best boobs of the Friday the 13th series. On the show Jason asked how I could top myself. Well, you can’t. It’s simply not possible. The Friday the 13th franchise has the best boob to film ratio out there. But I love a challenge and we decided that before my super secret “Best Of” project coming this November, I should try tackling another list in the dog days of Summer. Now I do want to put on front street that my initial idea was the best butts of the Texas Chainsaw series. Mainly because Jessica Biel has the best dumper in Hollywood. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” as a whole has the best butts of any franchise. You can quote me on that. And it’ll be easy to because I’ve put it in writing. But I digress…
The rules are the same as before, folks. I can only choose one pair of boobs per movie to fall on this best of seven list. Pretty easy when you think about it, actually, as part 2 only has one female character. And 3 has two. but it is where they fall on the list that may have some readers shaking their heads and sending in hate mail. Before we get started I want to preface this list the same way I did last time. I do not hate women. I am not a sexist monster. In fact I love women and love boobs almost as much as I love my own children. Also, this is done in fun. So fuck off if you don’t get the joke. If you’re offended by this list, just wait, there will be another one in 17.8 seconds that will offend you much more. This is the internet after all.
HERE WE GO!
Nothing against Kate Hodge, but someone had to bat first. Much like the actual sport of baseball, I’m hoping her leadoff spot earns a double and starts us down a 9th inning comeback that would make this year’s Cubs team proud. Kate Hodge is one of two young girls on the run in this flick, and also the first in the franchise to not go batshit crazy pre-credits. Actually (spoilers for a movie 20+ years old) she and Ken Foree ride off into the sunrise after delivering a great one-liner that would make Dirty Harry shift excitedly in his pants. Kate’s Michelle character is on the verge of a break up with her lame boyfriend played by William Butler. I only say this because I wanted to point out that Bill Butler, though great as always, plays a character that sucks by nature, thus making Kate seem that more awesome. Plus Bill Butler is the first Scream King.
With a single to left field, Tonie Perensky lands on our list at number six. Like Kate Hodge, Ms. Perensky has shown up nude in other flicks, but left the heavy lifting to a nude body double in this film starring Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger (gotta boost those google keyword searches) from 1994. Tonie Perensky’s Darla has the fortune of being our only villain on the list. Pretty sweet if you’re into that kinda factoid. Darla is the character that everyone knows from the previous flicks. The nice yet creepy character that eventually leads the lambs to the slaughter. Is it too late to alert you to a spoiler 21 years in the making? Apologies.
Here we go. Our first home run on the list. Are we keeping score at home? Stretch is everything you want in a character and then some added sprinkles on the top for good measure. Our lone female in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II,” Caroline Williams has killer taste in music, a bitchin’ job that allows her to play killer jams and interview chili cook-off winners, and even wins the heart of our masked man-child, ol’ Leatherface. Caroline Williams set a high standard for what hardcore and casual fans alike would come to expect, yet never see again in the franchise. A woman playing a character that looks like she was really having a lot of fun while on set. Aside from chainsaw kills and Bill Mosely, Stretch is everything we want from a Texas Chainsaw flick. Hooper did something magical with this sequel…he made a polar opposite film from the one he had made over a decade prior. Shit. I’m starting to review the movie. Sorry. Back to boobs…
The standard! A grandslam with no one on base is impossible in baseball, but Teri McMinn manages the feat at number four on our list. Again, if this were a butt post, Marilyn Burns would be the winner, and she would be higher up on the list. Maybe. And though Marilyn Burns’ braless pokies are a staple of the frachise, Teri McMinn’s iconic image hangin’ on a meat hook in a clevagetastic top is what this franchise, from a marketing standpoint, in my humble opinion and my opinion alone, was built on.
McMinn stars as Pam, the down to earth hippy chick that is “along for the ride” in the classic roller coaster of emotions that started it all. Pam’s got two things on her mind, finding a spot to fuck her boyfriend, preferably by water, and avoiding Franklin and his annoying squealing. The second to die (seriously, I’m not spoiling a movie over 40 fuckin’ years old!) Pam’s entire kill sequence features 98 percent of every image you remember loving from the first flick, and the franchise as a whole. 1) Walkin’ the empty grounds with her boyfriend? Check. 2) Amazing low angle shot running underneath the swing. Got it. 3) Finding the room full of bones and that damn cluckin’ chicken? It’s there. ) Discovering Gunner Hanson’s Leatherface, bolting out the door toward freedom, and when you think she is safe, he grabs her and pulls her back into the house as she flails her limbs wildly trying to grab on to anything and everything in her path to pull her toward said freedom? Nailed it. 5) The dreaded meat hook suspending her 8, nah, 10 feet in the air? Boom. 6) You think she’s done and gone, but when her spectacled buddy opens a freezer door and SHE POPS OUT CONVULSING!! Added bonus. Yep, Teri McMinn’s Pam laughs in the face of every character to follow the same water-based crayola finger paint tropes. Been there, done that. And while she did it, she sported the fourth best rack on our list. Fuck off, haters.
Strap in, folks…here come the top three. The best of the best. The REAL Heavy Hangers.
When people say remakes suck, often more times than not you’ll slap them in the face with, “Texas Chainsaw got it right.” But did it? Well yeah. And by the way EVERY FUCKING MOVIE YOU LOVE IS A REMAKE OF SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT! STOP HATING ON CINEMA! ENJOY YOURSELVES! IT IS A MOVIE! IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND ENTERTAINMENT ALONE! YOU SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD! A RETARDED ONE AT THAT!
Sorry… So The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was remade in ’03, and it rocks. Does it take ANYTHING away from the original by it’s mere existence? NO! STOP BITCHING ABOUT MICHAEL BAY RUINING YOUR CHILDHOOD! IF YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS WORTH A SHIT, CHANCES ARE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE NEEDED THE FUCKING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FUCKING TURTLES TO SURVIVE ON WHAT WAS SURELY A FUCKING LONELY FUCKING FRIENDLESS FUCKING SATURDAY FUCKING MORNING!
Apologies…I apparently have a rage issue. I’m working on it. SO BOOBS! Natures stress release, am I right? Jessica Biel comes in at number three on our list and it’s well deserved. Best butt of the franchise by far, but I digress…again…Ms. Biel plays Erin. Marijuana filled pinata aside, she likes to have fun and is looking to do so at a Lynard Skynyrd concert where she hopes they play Free Bird. Like they wouldn’t. At least I think that is the line. I’m going off memory. Anywho, Jessica Biel’s Erin has two things Marilyn Burns’ Sally didn’t. A fleshed out character that fights back between screams, and a film with a much higher budget, allowing the lead to explore many more spooky locations around the Sawyer homestead, and dismal town. If Teri McMinn was the foundation on which many tropes were built, Jessica Biel is the “rebooted” asphalt in which future TCM heroines are aloud to play hop scotch on weekdays after school. And I do mean school, son. Erin takes zero shit, lays waste to anyone in her way to freedom, and looks amazing in a wet white tank top while doing so. My only complaint with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre released in ’03 is they (spoiler alert, I guess) took off Leatherface’s arm in the final minutes of the third act, assuring that any other installment in the TCM franchise would be a prequel, or yet another reboot in the saga.
Speaking of prequels, let’s take a journey to the beginning, shall we…
Diora Baird is many things. Busty happens to be one of them. But let’s focus on some other stuff first. Indulge me, won’t you? Diora Baird’s Bailey is yet another token “along for the ride” gal in the sixth installment of the “should of been dead long ago” franchise. But let’s be honest with ourselves. We’re glad this franchise continues to find it’s way to multiplexes. Something I don’t know I’ve covered yet, but these films are a LOT of fun for an audience, preferably a packed house on opening night. When I was doing thorough “research” (Google Images) I noticed if you type Texas Chainsaw Massecre + Boobs into google and hit search you’re sure to see many photos of Ms. Baird (though mostly not from this movie) come flyin’ at your screen. A little hint for you weekend warriors out there. Actually…click here to see one of Diora’s most mammerable moments in the film.
So anyway, Bailey finds herself in a series of wrong place, wrong time situations in the film. TCM: The Beginning was my first exposure to the awesomeness of Diora Baird, and it shouldn’t go without saying that I became a fan. When she popped up in one of my all-time favorite episodes of “Psych” (Season 6 Episode 8 – The Tao of Gus, for the uninitiated) her flare for comedy made me realize that with the right material, this girl can do no wrong. Back to “The Beginning” though. Bailey is the prototypical “let’s have fun and live life fast and loose,” so obviously she is doomed from the start. But what Diora Baird achieves with the character is nothing short of a good time. Sure her existence in the film is to serve the story and it’s body count, but one of the reasons you tend to root for the gang of teens in these flicks is because you like them.
Though Ms. Baird is easy on the eyes and all that jazz, she’s a character that hasn’t really existed in the franchise to this point. She’s a secondary character that seems fit to outwit the B-Story antagonists. I wanted Bailey to escape the hands of Leatherface’s handlers to join up with Jordana Brewster on the A-Story. I found myself rooting for her in a way that I haven’t rooted for a would-be-victim since before I was old enough to figure out the slasher movie formula. Perhaps this would be a call back to Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III? Could two characters survive in this reboot? As the second act unfolds we find that not to be the case. One of the more exciting aspects of TCM: The Beginning is that not only are our hopes dashed that two screen heroines make it out alive, but in fact zero heroines make it out alive. A first for the series. Well played, fun prequel. Well played indeed.
Something I’ve noticed about the franchise as a whole is though there are great boobs, they are not really on display for the fans like, say the Friday the 13th franchise. Here is a screen grab to get you through the day. Week. Month. Eternity…
Are you ready for number one? I hope so!
JKJK, folks. C’mon, you really think I’d leave without further explanation? Alexandra Daddario is quickly becoming a household name. I wasn’t aware of her work until I finally checked out this flick last year. I can honestly tell you that watching this movie was far more enjoyable than the earnest outings of the remake and reboot. As a stand alone sequel to the original, I dig it. I am a very big fan of 2 and 3, but this entry in the franchise just feels right.
Now if you are one of those asshats that argues the film doesn’t make sense because Daddario’s character Heather should be 35 instead of 25, eat a bag of dicks. It’s a movie. Audiences were once able to enter a theater and suspend disbelief. Why has this changed? Let the character be 25. Give Trey Songz a chance to act. Tania Reymonde is fantastic as the beautiful and charming, although slutty BFF trying to bed Mr. Songz. (Might I add Ms. Reymonde is also fabulous in LOOK: the Series and the Wadzilla segment in Chillerama…both available on Amazon! *cough-cough* shameless plug…)
I’m a fan of this flick and all it has to offer the franchise and horror genre. It is fun! Through and through. My biggest complaint is that it has yet to spawn any sequels. I’d love to see Ms. Daddario return to the Texas Chainsaw realm. What would that story consist of? The possibilities are endless! *We’re about to get spoiler heavy, so if you haven’t seen it, you have been warned.* At the end of this flick we discover that Heather is now left in charge of her last living blood relative, Leatherface himself. This is a story that could pump fresh blood into a franchise that has been thrilling audiences for over 40 years. Does Heather let Leatherface out to do what he does best? Would she continue to keep him under lock and key? Is there an outside threat that leaves the duo no other choice than to band together to protect the homestead? I want this movie! I want it now! C’mon, Lionsgate!
As far as what makes this film unique, look no further than Daddario’s performance as a young woman that recently finds out she was adopted. A strong lead in a long line of many, she doesn’t really care for authority and what they have to offer. It’s crazy, but Daddario’s best assets in this film aren’t even the assets that land her at number one on the list. Well, they do. I mean…I’m trying to say even if her tits were tiny, she’d still be number one. Daddario plays a strong, independent, smart heroine that uses more than her looks to take down a corrupt town while simultaneously outrunning her kin. Sure she winds up tied up in the third reel, but most the gals in these films do.
Of course she could easily have been killed by Leatherface or the townsfolk while she was strung up, but she didn’t. Fate was on her side. Leatherface eventually comes to Heather’s rescue. Another first in a series of seven films. I’m a big fan of things I haven’t seen before when sequel numbers begin to climb. Texas Chainsaw 3D delivers a handful of plot points that I enjoyed. Also, if you’re a fan of Alexandra Daddario and have been living under a rock, check out Season One of True Detective. You’ll be glad you did…
So there it is, folks. The best Heavy Hangers of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre series. Agree? Disagree? Feel free to interact with us on Facebook, Twitter, leave a comment below, or email us AcidPopCult@gmail.com. Just remember that this list is of my own design. I feel it is important to honor not just the boobs, but also the actresses that appear in these films for our enjoyment. This is nothing more than a fun way of expressing our enthusiasm for a fun franchise and it’s fans.
-Jeremy L. Morrison