When I think of the Friday the 13th series, three things come to mind: Camp Counselors (which only appear in the first, second, and sixth installments), inventive kills, and boobs. Oh boobies, how you’re a cornerstone of the Friday franchise. Many breasts have appeared in the series over the years. While some stay hidden behind a nice cotton top or slinky bikini, others are allowed to come out of hiding to share in the scares. Men, women, and children of all ages know that the infamous hockey masked slasher is synonymous with stiff nippled cups of all shapes and sizes.
Now before I continue let me say that I love all boobs. Boobs are fantastic. From natures true intentions for the breast, up to rapidly google searching the perfect pair whilst in the bathroom to aid in a quick release, boobs are the most wonderful things ever created. I hold no prejudice toward any class of mammaries. I first came up with the idea for this list four years ago, but I found it insanely difficult to accomplish. How can you pass judgement when they are all so great? Who do I think I am? I swear I am not a misogynist. I am not sexist. Before you email me or the show, just remember this: I LOVE BOOBS.
So four years later I think I’ve figured out how to pull this off, no pun intended, to where I could forge this list and not catch any flack. I’ve decided to narrow it down to the top 12 pairs with one catch. I can only choose one pair per flick. Hypothetically if someone was in a pinch, they could gaze upon this list and make an educated guess on where to go in the series to unload some stress. Now, again, I love and respect all breasts in this series, and life in general. And this is very much based on my own personal taste. So feel free to share your own list with us over at the Facebook page, or by emailing the show at AcidPopCult@gmail.com.
LET’S DO THIS!
Number 12: From Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan – Saffron Henderson – “J.J. Jarrett”
“What are you talking about, J-Mo? J.J. doesn’t even get nekkid!” RIGHT?!! Get used to it, gentle reader. Like I said, I hold no prejudice to the boobs. And I never said the boobs had to make a special guest appearance in the flick. Saffron Henderson plays metal-head J.J., a guitar virtuoso that is looking for bitchin’ spots aboard the ship to film her music video. What J.J. lacks in common sense while traversing the bowels of the boat, she makes up for in sexy pleather and a hot pink top. A character that feels like a cross between Lita Ford and Joan Jett, J.J. sports one of the most metal deaths in the entire series when she gets her brains bashed in by her own Flying-V axe. Horns up for J.J. at number 12.
Number 11: From Freddy vs. Jason – Monica Keena – “Lori Campbell”
Freddy vs. Jason is one of those flicks that I ate up when it first hit the theaters. But upon it’s home video release it fell out of favor with me. I could write a whole essay on why I think Freddy vs. Jason is the worst film in both franchises, hell, the history of cinema even, but I won’t. We’re celebrating something here. That something is Monica Keena’s wonderful assets. There are two things I find interesting about Monica Keena’s performance as Lori in Freddy vs. Jason and that is why she lands at number 11 on our list.
Number 10: From Jason X – Kristi Angus – “Adrienne”
Kristi Angus sports one of the cooler half sweaters while also managing to find herself on the wrong end of arguable one of the coolest kills in franchise history. Her apperance is brief, but it will stay with you for a long time. If I was tech savvy, I’d use the popular gif of her death for her image. How Kane Hodder had the ability to expose just enough of Adrienne’s underboob while manhandling her to the sink full of cryo freeze just in time to dip her face in before smashing it against the counter-top and tossing her hollowed husk of a head to the side, is beyond me. Holy run-on-sentence, Mrs. Voorhees! It works. Moving on.
Number 9: From Friday the 13th – Jeannine Taylor – “Marcie Cunningham”
At number 9 a franchise and genre wide standard was set by little Marcie Cunningham. Every Friday the 13th to follow would have a girl travel the camp grounds at some point; shoe-less, in her panties, and wearing a shirt while asking “Is that you…”. After filling up on Kevin’s bacon, Marcie heads over to the camp bathroom to quote classic Hollywood lines in a mirror, read cute jokes on the wall, and show us why you should never check the showers for would-be-prankster friends. And as the photographic evidence above shows, Jeannine Taylor is a candidate for Best Butt, too.
Number 8: From Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday – Michelle Clunie – “Deborah”
This is why you should always force him to wrap it up, ladies. Deborah and her boyfriend Luke, along with third-wheel Alexis, think it is finally safe to camp at Camp Crystal Lake. After a quick dip in the frigid water, Deborah and Luke decide to take the franchise down a road it had yet to see: borderline hardcore porn. The 90’s taught us a lot. Among many lessons was that the MPAA would not tolerate heavy thrusting followed by a iron rod to the torso. Especially if that rod then split the torso in two, revealing a crimson geyser that splashes across a man’s face, neck and chest. I didn’t know much about sex until the summer of ’94. At nine years old I quickly discovered the difference between making love and fucking. Though pretty and sweet, making love was alright. Fucking, however, would make boobies bounce around frantically. Boobs? great. Bouncing boobs? Is there anything more awesome on a human body? Not if you’re this writer.
Number 7: From Friday the 13th part III 3-D – Tracie Savage – “Debbie”
Number 7 is definitely not sponsored by the Medical Association of America. Tracie Savage portrays Debbie, a pot smoking, beer drinking, unprotected sex having, cool chick. Oh yeah, she’s pregnant too! Yes, soon-to-be-mommy Debbie (Did YOU add the fetus to Jason’s kill totals?!?) is trying to help her friend over come her fear of an encounter by a creepy dude that probably raped her and just happens to be Jason a year prior to the events of this flick and Part II (as Part II leads directly into Part III, but is five years after the events of Part I. Confused? Good, me too!) So Debbie, her highschool boyfriend, a few other weirdos, and two old as fuck hippies head out to the lake. Debbie doesn’t spend much time helping her friend, however, as she and her boyfriend want to make sure they get a head-start on practicing on that second kid as soon as possible. After some sexy time, Debbie treats us to a glance of her handfuls-of-goodness during a steamy shower. The first of many showers to be had in the franchise.
Number 6: From Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives – Jennifer Cooke – “Megan”
Remember, wherever the red dot goes, ya bang. Jennifer Cooke’s Megan is hands down one of the coolest female leads to have graced the franchise with her presence. Is anyone else dying to know what exactly is going on underneath that cute little cropped sweater? Megan is also in possession of one of the tightest pair of jeans in the history of western civilization, as proven by a fan favorite Tommy Jarvis POV during that epic chase scene. Jennifer Cooke is a treasure to the franchise. I honestly feel super bad I couldn’t justify her being higher on the list. I don’t even mind that she keeps her clothes securely around her body during the film. Sometimes, like the horror movie death scenes, it’s what you don’t see that is the best part. So at number 6, from number 6, and released in ’86, Jennifer Cooke, we here at APC salute you. #swoon
Number 5: From Friday the 13th Part II – Marta Kober – “Sandra”
This spot almost went to Friday the 13th Part II star Amy Steel, but I made a one pair per film rule, and at the end of the day I am a sucker for a short brunette with big naturals. For proof just look to Producer Danielle. Sandra and Jeff are a mischievous pair of camp counselors. When they’re not getting brought in by the local sheriff, they’re off making love before becoming a human shish kabob. Sandra, like the bible’s very own Eve, is the mastermind behind most of their adventures. Sandra and Jeff are the franchise’s prototype couple. Sandra’s bikini top secures her spot at number 5 on this ridiculous list.
Number 4: From Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter – Judie Aronson – “Samantha”
The science isn’t very weird as to why Judie Aronson is a solid top five pick. At number 4 Aronson’s portrayal of Samantha is everything we’ve come to know and love about the franchises ladies that find them selves at the wrong place at the wrong time. Corey Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis had a front row seat when Samantha finds herself in front of a window as she stripped down to her birthday suit. Unfortunately just as the action started to heat up, Tommy’s mom has to kill the mood completely by pulling down the shade. Fortunately for us, Sam and her friends decide it best to strip and dip at the lake the next day. Still not convinced? Moments after losing her boyfriend to one half of the double mint twins, Sam takes a stroll to the lake to cool off. She doubles our pleasure when she strips down to nothing and swims out to a raft, moments before Jason gives her the ultimate Oh Shit face.
Number 3: From Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood – Elizabeth Kaitan – “Robin”
If you’re a fan of b-movies from the 80s-90s, then you’re sure to know this face and chest. Elizabeth Kaitan skyrocketed to success in genre picture after genre picture. I’m a tad bias because I am a huge fan of hers from the Vice Academy series, but she earns her stripes in the Friday franchise after bedding the lovable stoner and then teasing us viewers with glimpses here an there of those sweet naturals. Robin follows in the footsteps of the original films Marcie when she meets her demise post coitus as she searches for her boyfriend while barefoot and wearing a shirt. I always felt her death was a tad weak sauce, as I have never been a fan of when Jason simple throws a beautiful girl from a window. But, if memory serves correctly, Robin had a much better death designed, but the filmmakers had to scrap it when they ran low on time. People claim that Part VII is their favorite because of the FX and it being Kane Hodder’s first trip to Crystal Lake, but I wonder if they’re just too embarrassed to admit it’s because of Ms. Kaitan’s sweet naturals.
Number 2: Friday the 13th (2009) – Julianna Guill – “Bree”
Julianna Guill comes in at number 2 on our list and for good measure. When it was announced that Friday the 13th was being remade by Platinum Dunes, fans across the world took a collective gasp. Then when a producer said in an interview that they were embracing everything that fans loved about the series including sexual charged young adults, everyone exhaled and thought what I thought: “It’s impossible to fuck up a Friday the 13th movie.” I’m happy to admit that I was right. You really can’t screw up a Friday the 13th movie. The formula is so simple. Drugs, hot guys and girls, sex, copious amounts of blood, a hockey masked killer (or bag headed), inventive kills. Now add in the adorable Julianna Guill as nympho Bree and you have a closet fan favorite. I love this film. Derek Mears owns as Jason. Bree and Trent have the greatest sex scene of the franchise putting Jason Goes to Hell’s tent sex to shame. Trent even utters the line that everyone is thinking when he tells Bree that her tits are stupendous. He later goes on to compliment her nipple placement. Her nipple placement! I’m telling you, you can’t fuck up a Friday the 13th film. Unless you’re Ronny Yu.
Number 1: From Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning – Deborah “Debisue” Voorhees – “Tina”
The number one best breasts belong to an actress that happens to share the surname of the masked maniac, and if you’ve never had a chance to peep out these heavy hangers, you’re missing out. Friday the 13th gets a wicked bad rap. And in a movie that could have claimed eight of the 12 spots on this list, it’s a no brainer that Deborah will take top honors every time. Deborah’s Tina also walks away with one of the more vicious kills of the whole entire series, in my so very humble opinion. Tina and her lunatic boy-toy Eddie fuck like rabbits, but most all of it is just eluded to during other characters’ dialogue. But when director Danny Steinmann finally lets us take a peek at one of Tina and Eddie’s romps in the woods, he keeps us there until we can’t see straight. Get it? Because both die in eye related deaths. Genius. I digress. Debisue Voorhees will forever be remembered as the best of the best when it comes to slasher flick nudes. Her boobs are simply the best.
So that’s it folks. Four years of taunting the audience, I finally pulled the trigger. Hopefully you readers know that this is meant in fun. No disrespect was intended toward any of the actresses left off of, or appearing on the list. Nudity is only one of many reasons to check out the Friday the 13th flicks. Friday the 13th, to me, has always meant a fun time with friends, or even alone. An escape from the day-to-day horrors of the real world to watch an indestructible killer stalk and murder groups of characters that we the audience see ourselves in. I mainly wanted to compile this list because there aren’t very many lists like it outside of maybe a Mr. Skin countdown. I’m too lazy to fact check that claim. The sex and nudity play a key role in the history and success of these films. Boobs, like the inventive kill scenarios and gallons of blood, should be celebrated. Hooray for titties, folks. Until next time, we’ll see you next Tuesday (K)night!
–Jeremy L. Morrison