Analysis Proves People With Large Penises Swear More Than Their Small-Peckered Brethren


When you compile data from two separate studies, it paints a clear picture of something I’ve known for years to be absolutely true: Guys with big dicks are assholes.

The Marchex Institute analyzed more than a half million customer-service-style phone calls, and determined which states were most likely to swear during the conversations. Ohio topped the list, with one out of every 150 phone calls being tainted with swear words.

Maryland, New Jersey, Louisiana, and Illinois round out the top five states whose residents are likely to curse like a fucking sailor during phone calls.


If we then turn to research by, we see all of the foul-mouthed states ranking well in penis size. For example, Ohio, the most foul-mouthed state in the nation, ranks sixth in overall penis size. Condomania used condom purchase data to determine the sizes of penises from each state.

10 Biggest Dicks and how they score in the swearing study (State – Swearing Classification)

  • 1 North Dakota- Goody Two Shoes
  • 2 Rhode Island- Sailors
  • 3 South Dakota- Goody Two Shoes
  • 4 Massachusetts- Sailors
  • 5 Ohio- Sailors #1
  • 6 Arizona-  Goody Two Shoes
  • 7 Alabama- Occasionally Profane
  • 8 New York-  Occasionally profane
  • 9 South Carolina- Occasionally Profane
  • 10 Colorado – Occasionally Profane

Of the remaining top 5 swearing states, two of them rank in the top 20 for penis size, and the final two are 25 and 26 respectively.  Only two of the five least-swearing states appear in the top 20 states for penile girth. The remaining three bring far less to the party in both size and bawdy stories.

Ten Smallest Dicks and how they score in the swearing study (State – Swearing Classification)

  • 41 Texas – Goody Two Shoes
  • 42 Indiana – Occasionally Profane
  • 43 West Virginia – Sailors
  • 44 Missouri – Sailors
  • 45 Alaska – Goody Two Shoes
  • 46 North Carolina – Occasionally Profane
  • 47 Wyoming – Occasionally Profane
  • 48 Arkansas – Goody Two Shoes
  • 49 Hawaii- Occasionally Profane
  • 50 Mississippi- Sailors


The conclusion here is fucking obvious.

Statistics show guys with big penises are more likely to curse at your ass during a phone conversation than guys with little penises.

Of the nine states with the smallest penises not named Mississippi, three were considered to be goody two shoes on the swearing front, two were foul-mouthed sailors, and the rest could go either way. For the nine states with the biggest penises not named North Dakota, three states were classified as foul-mouthed as sailors, and two were considered to be goody two shoes states.

North Dakota checked in with the biggest packages in the country and the average Mississippi cock finished dead last. These extreme cases are where the rules of big dicks being big pricks comes apart. Knowing you are the cock of the walk, like the dudes of North Dakota do, they are among the least likely to swear in anger. For Mississippians, knowing the south will rise again, but the rising will be so small no one will really take notice, makes for a swear-happy state.

Unless you find yourself talking to the blue ribbon cock from the state fair, like a Mr. North Dakota, it might be a good idea to go for the little guys instead. That is, unless you want a whole bunch of attitude coming with it.

Everybody wants to be the biggest guy in town, but only one can be, and generally that guy is quite happy about it, and everybody else is just jealous.