DREAMBOATS: THE HOTTEST HUNKS ON ELM STREET

DREAMBOATS: THE HOTTEST HUNKS ON ELM ST.“Welcome to Prime Time, Dicks.” – J-Mo

Another Halloween has come and gone, leaving you with a wicked case of the bloody booze blues, no doubt. But fear not, sweet reader, as November 1st 2015 marks a milestone in one of horror’s most beloved franchises. “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge” turns 30 years old! I personally achieved this milestone back in August and can assure you that the best way to make a 30 year old feel special: Overtly Sexualize Them. But how do you make it special? You never want to regift something on someone’s big day. Having ranked the boobs of both “Friday the 13th” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” series, I figured it was time to switch it up by giving some love to the men of a franchise for once. So dive right in and see if your favorite hunk hottie made the list.

9 - Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare - Breckin Meyer - Spencer

9. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare – Breckin Meyer – Spencer

I would be clueless not to include Breckin Meyer, folks. As the sweet stoner Spencer, Breckin shows us why smokin’ out on Elm Street is a horrible idea. I’m not sure if Spencer’s death is meant as a cautionary tale of what too much drugs and video games will do to you, but if you’re rockin’ a sweet ass Power Glove, why wouldn’t you want to lay about and spark a bowl?! Spencer is the typical late eighties, early nineties surfer burnout-type, which I’m sure were a dime a dozen in Springwood, OH., but Breckin rocks a million dollar smile and that is enough to get this list started.

A Nightmare On Elm St. Part 5: The Dream Child - Michael Baily Smith - Super Freddy/Dan's Double

8. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child – Michael Bailey Smith – Super Freddy

I can hear your confusion at my choice for number eight. To me it makes perfect sense. Super Freddy had the body of a Jason Voorhees, while rocking the attitude of our favorite wise crackin’ child molester. And that to me is a winning combo. Also, I believe that during the opening credits, when Dan is draining his seed into Alice’s guts leading to teen pregnancy, and the entire movie, Michael Bailey Smith is actually body doubling as Dan. So that helped in securing Michael on my list.

7. Freddy Vs Jason - Jason Ritter - Will Rollins

7. Freddy Vs Jason – Jason Ritter – Will Rollins

God I hate this movie. Which is the worst, because it has three things I love: Jason, Freddy, and Monica Keena’s boobs. But my hate has nothing to do with Jason Ritter’s performance. He’s got those sweet puppy dog eyes that scream “I’m trapped in a terrible situation,” and you just want to throw the guy a lifeline. Ritter and Keena’s boobs are about the only thing worth a damn in this terrible sequel. Disagree with me all you’d like, but remember one thing, typical horror nerd, both franchises were followed by remakes. Remakes, you know, those things you people hate? You can thank Freddy Vs. Jason.

It should be noted that my wife, Producer Danielle, is beyond troubled by the fact that Mr. Ritter ranks in at number seven. She feels he is a solid number three and a beautiful man.

6. New Nightmare - Wes Craven - Wes Craven

6. New Nightmare – Wes Craven – Wes Craven

Power. Success. Creative as a motherfucker. These are all traits possessed by our hunk at number six. Wes Craven played himself in “New Nightmare.” So I guess I think Wes Craven is a hunk IRL, as the kids snapchat. I guess I do. I’ve idolized Wes Craven since the age of 4. He’s everything I wanted to grow up to be. I’d totally #MCM him.

RIP Wes

5. A Nightmare On Elm St. (Remake) - Clancy Brown - Alan Smith

5. A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake) – Clancy Brown – Alan Smith

There can be only one number five choice, and it is a no brainer for me. I love me some Clancy Brown. While either voicing a crab on a popular children’s cartoon, or beating the sweet sunny Jesus out of an inmate that doesn’t shut his trap, Clancy Brown is a tour de force. One could argue that he’s not the hunkiest of the remake cast, but my list, my rules. Clancy Brown plays Alan, the father of walking guyliner puppet Quentin. Now in the remake, Alan is the ringleader amongst the parents that decide Krueger should be stopped by any means necessary. Clancy Brown creates Freddy in the new universe, and I am okay with that. Hell, Clancy Brown could be responsible for my own demise and I would accept it with open arms so long as Clancy was there to narrate my passing. I mean, it would totally suck to be dead, but hopefully Clancy could bury me in a Pet Sematary 2.

4. A Nightmare On Elm St. Part 3: Dream Warriors - Laurence Fishburne - Max

4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors – Laurence Fishburne – Max

Laurence Fishburne is a force of nature. Think about it for a second. Has he ever done a bad flick? I can’t think of one off the top of my head. I’m pretty sure I’m probably wrong, but he can do no wrong in my eyes. Landing at number four is pretty solid in my opinion. Max is a pretty awesome character. One of the few authority figures in the series that seems to want to help these kids. You can see it takes a toll on him when they begin to fall victim to their dreams. Laurence plays Max perfectly. Strict and tough, yet caring and compassionate. I like the cut of his jib. And hats off to Laurence for making it through the film in one piece. men and women of color are not often thought of as survivors in genre pictures.

3. A Nightmare On Elm St. Part 4: The Dream Master - Andras Jones - Rick

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master – Andras Jones – Rick

Rick and his little meatball fall in at number three. Alice’s brother is played by Andras Jones, Calvin in “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama” from 1988. Whether kicking the air’s ass in his garage dojo, or wearing dick friendly sweats in gym class, Rick does it while looking dope. 80s fashion has never looked better. To this day I cannot listen to Dramarama without thinking of Rick’s nun-chuckin’ skills.  Also, how hot do you have to be to hook up with Tuesday Knight? Way hot, dudes with uber confidence. The kind of confidence that once absorbed by your sister she is finally able to kick the souls right out of Freddy’s chest cavity.

2. A Nightmare On Elm St. - Johnny Depp - Glen Lantz

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street – Johnny Depp – Glen Lantz

I’m sure it is no shocker that Johnny Depp is on a list ranking the hottest hunks on Elm Street. However I assume most everyone with a working brain probably had him pegged as a lock at number one. I’m so edgy. Johnny Depp’s crop top and barely legal babyface made their debut in Wes Craven’s classic film from 1984. And it is all thanks to Wes’ daughter Jessica, whom insisted her father cast the young stud in-lieu of the  standard proto-jock the then struggling filmmaker envisioned for the role. Needless to say it was the first of many kickass projects Depp would go on to star in.

Johnny Depp’s character Glen is the shy, handsome boyfriend to Nancy Thompson, the object of Fred Krueger’s torment. Glen spends the majority of his time in denial, but leaves the film with one of the most memorable deaths in franchise history. The thing that I find most disturbing in horror films is when a dying character breaks the laws of cinema standard and becomes a living, breathing member of the real world. Glen, along with Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter’s Rob, have the most polarizing death scenes of each franchise because the actors are able to tap into a primal fear as they howl in agony. Rob’s “he’s killing me,” is powerful, but Glen’s innocent cries for his mother move the scene from horrifying into depths of misery, dread, and sheer heartbreak.

1. A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge - Marshall Bell - Coach Schneider

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge – Marshall Bell – Coach Schneider

Coach Schneider is a sadistic, leather clad piece of shit, and that is the kind of hidden kink that is sure to stike a cord with all my leather sluts out there. Marshall Bell is one helluvan actor. I hate him so much in so many roles. Which means one thing, folks. He’s fantastic at what he does. In Freddy’s Revenge, Mr. Bell is the thorn in Jesse and Grady’s taint.Coach Watching

Ever ogling the “dirtballs” doing push-ups or eavesdropping on the duo as they change after gym class, Coach Schneider “gets his rocks off” down at the local watering hole where the bears and twinks traverse after hours. One night Coach catches Jesse out for a nightcap. In attempt to teach the young man a lesson, Coach Schneider brings Jesse back to the school to run laps. Marshall Bell plays the scene with so much creepy joy. I love it.

Coach Schneider

Unfortunately for Coach Schneider, they aren’t alone. Maybe.

Coach Schneider Death

Marshall Bell also broke ground in this classic that turns 30 years old today as the first and only time you see a grown man’s ass. That, my friends, is a total hunk move.

*Editor’s Note: You see Mark Patton’s butt when Grady tackles him in the infield.

Freddy gif love

There you have it! My Hottest Hunks on Elm Street. Hopefully you’ve had as much fun reading as I have had writing. Unlike the previous boob-centric posts, I’ve never spent time sitting around my room asking myself who the hot dudes in the Elm Street franchise are. It was a challenge I thought should be tackled.

Special thanks to Jason Price of ICON VS. ICON for the nudge in the right direction, Thomas Bryce of SHIT MOVIE FEST for his eagerness to read, and Producer Danielle for acting as a sounding board for the hairless little fourteen year old inside of me.

–Jeremy L. Morrison

Episode 157: One With The Force

Episode 157: One With The ForceThis week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jeremy and Jason have a lot on their minds. Jason gets the party started by revealing some of his plans for the Fall Tour he is currently scheduling and offers a look at Icon Vs. Icon’s upcoming interviews; which feature Clifton Collins, Jr. (Boondocks Saints 2, Pacific Rim), Josh McDermitt (Eugene from AMC’s ’The Walking Dead), EG Daly (Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Powerpuff Girls) and more. Talk soon turns to his experiences during the latest phenomena in the Star Wars Universe — Force Friday! The usually even-tempered Jason gives us the low-down on what got his blood boiling during the big event. However, he turns the frown upside down with a look into the world of underground alternate movie poster art and the magic of Gordo’s Plush. Jeremy offers up his pick of the week in the form of Wes Craven’s ’SHOCKER,’ while Jason focuses in on ‘Kingsmen: The Secret Service.’ The duo bob and weave their way through another action packed episode and hope you will download, listen and spread the word!

Episode 157: One With The Force

Episode 156: Wes Craven Retrospective

Episode 156: Wes Craven RetrospectiveThis week on the Acid Pop Cult Podcast, Jeremy and Jason celebrate the life and work of the late Wes Craven. The duo discuss their introductions to his work, the impact it had on them as film fans and how his work impacted the horror genre as a whole. Next, Jeremy unveils his list of the Top 5 underrated films by the Master of Horror. They wrap the episode up with their Picks of The Week in the form of the new ‘Mad Max’ video game and Iron Maiden’s new album, “The Book of Souls.” It is a robust and full bodied episode; best described as easily drinkable. Download, listen and spread the word!

Episode 156: Wes Craven Retrospective

Episode 64: Top Gun vs Jason

Episode 64: Top Gun vs Jason

 

On this new episode of APC Chris tells a tale of his time well spent at the Grey’s Lake Brewery Fest. Lee drops a new segment that might stick around for a while called “The Freeloader’s Double Feature” where he talks about Bruceploitation flicks “The Dragon Lives Again” and “The Clones of Bruce Lee”, and Jeremy gets teary eyed over the Swamp Thing bluray release and Friday the 13th going back to Paramount. Other stuff pops up too. It’s like, whatevs’.

 

Episode 64: Top Gun vs Jason

Episode 52: Boobs, Batman, and Mila Kunis While Drinking the PPR Kool Aid

Episode 52: Boobs, Batman, and Mila Kunis While Drinking the PPR Kool Aid

 

 

This week the boys discuss how long you can look at a girls exposed boob meat before you’re deemed a creeper by the chick flaunting them off. They are suddenly joined for an epic crossover when  a couple of podcats celebrating their 100th episode jump on for an unexpected visit around the 17 minute mark. Seth Koozer will not want to miss this mash up of  epic proportions. After that the fun and games continue for Lee and Jeremy as they talk real life Bat(men), the under appreciated film “Defendor” with Woody Harrelson and Kat Dennings*, an adorable interview given by Mila Kunis while on her press junket tour through the UK for “Oz the Great and Powerful.” Finally we wrap things up with a month long spot APC will be doing titled March Madness. Original in concept, no, but over at APC we do things our way, and our way is law. During the month of March we’ll be discussing the things that drive us mad in Hollywood. Good and Bad. To kick it off, Jeremy brings up his hatred for the genre gag “cat scare”, but gives Rolfe Kanefsky props for not only saving the gag, but shedding some much needed light on the genre in general with his debut feature film “There’s Nothing Out There”. Check it out!

*Editors note: Jeremy loves him some Kat Dennings. His girlfriend has come to except this. Hi Danielle!

Episode 52: Boobs, Batman, and Mila Kunis While Drinking the PPR Kool Aid

Episode 51: Our Episode Names Are Longer Than (A My Chemical Romance Or Fall Out Boy Song Title)

Episode 51: Our Episode Names Are Longer Than (A My Chemical Romance Or Fall Out Boy Song Title)

This week Jeremy and Lee talk about everything from the Chicago Blackhawks to The Academy Awards. Lee recommends a couple of titles streaming right now on netflix. The boys get wet over old school Christian Slater and John Cusack flicks, comdians that apologize for being funny, and Reality Show the Film premiering at SXSW. Finally, Jeremy wraps up the month long Blaxploitation flick fest we’ve been having with one of his favorites 1995s, Vampire in Brooklyn. Check it out!

Episode 51: Our Episode Names Are Longer Than (A My Chemical Romance Or Fall Out Boy Song Title)

Episode 40: It’s The Final Parker!

This Thanksgiving episode is very special. Lee and J-Mo are joined by podcast GOD, Parker Bowman of Pool Party Radio and Junk Food Dinner. We talk remakes we’d like to see, what we don;t mind taking for granted, and a new(ish) segment called “Rapid Rants” that covers a handful of topics like Ariel Winter, Elmo, and more. ENJOY!

Episode 40: It’s The Final Parker!

Episode 34: Wes Craven, Dear Hollywood, The Baby, & Coughing, OH MY!

“Roxy’s Rack Review” pops out the Ted Post classic “The Baby”. J-Mo Coughs his way through a “Rants & Rambles” segment dedicated to the man that inspired him to become a director, the one and only, Wes Craven. Lee brings us a fun edition of “Dear Hollywood” that should inspire you to grab a hand full of boobies. J-Mo predicts his own suicide, too. Good show. Enjoy!

 

Episode 34: Wes Craven, Dear Hollywood, The Baby, & Coughing, OH MY!

Episode 32: Cannibal Kinfolk Chow Down

Episode 32 focuses on CANNIBALS, people! But first, we catch up with the two sickly gents and the bubbly cave dweller next door. We ask for your help getting Roxy’s brother Randy on the show. Then, Lee brings us another fine edition of the “Redneck Report” that may or may not feature backwoods rape. “Roxy’s Rack Review” is a double shot of mutant fun with the review of The Hills Have Eyes 1977 vs 2006. You may be shocked with what she picks as her favorite (at the moment). Jeremy piles on Roxy’s Hills review with a painful “Rants & Rambles” segment about how much he hates the ’06 version. Like what you hear? Call in, rate us on iTunes, or just spread the word.

Episode 32: Cannibal Kinfolk Chow Down

Episode 17: Avenging Found Footage in the Woods

Roxy and Jeremy shoot the shit about car dealers, Marvel’s The Avengers, Cabin in the Woods, Rolfe Kanefsky’s There’s Nothing Out There, and a nice found footage debate. Jeremy professes his love for “Chronicle” scribe Max Landis. The duo also announce an new contest. ENJOY!

Episode 17: Avenging Found Footage in the Woods